Majestically Gigantic :)

Amar Singh says Beni Prasad Verma dared him to jump off chopper; Verma says he doesn't remember!

2012-02-18T22:52:00.001+05:30

In a stunning revelation after slipping, jumping and sustaining a back injury after alighting from his helicopter, which made an emergency landing at Kharela village in Uttar Pradesh, where he was supposed to address an election rally, former Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh told the hounding media that he performed the daredevil stunt due to a "challenge" from Union Steel Minister Beni Prasad Verma.

"I have done it! I will surely win Beni's challenge!", exclaims a proud Amar Singh. "I remember no such challenge", clarifies Beni Prasad Verma

"Beni Prasad Verma clearly told me - Amar, I am made of steel and if you want, you can try to beat me in a helicopter jump; let's see who breaks more bones. He dared me! He said that if I won the bet, he would ensure that I receive cash as well as votes. That's why I jumped ! I've broken my back. Now it is his turn. Let me see what he breaks! I'm hoping he breaks more than just his backbone. Age does matter between the legs, you see! I hope I win my cash and votes!", said the former SP leader, smiling from his hospital bed.

However, the Congress leader and Union Steel Minister had a completely different story to narrate. "I have been throwing four to five such challenges everyday for many months and I don't remember what I told Amar. Sometimes I fail to pay attention to the reference in which I am saying something", said Verma, adding that he respected Amar Singh and thought every person should do the same. He also said that he was indeed made of steel & never utters anything which is not justified. He stood by his statement & said that the helicopter jump bet might have been just a mere "slip of tongue".

"Nonsense! His 'slip of tongue' has caused me to slip into cow dung!", thundered a livid Amar Singh. "He's lying! You can ask Suresh Kalmadi if you want. He was present at the very moment and place when Verma challenged me", said the 56-year old, appearing to be very confident. However, the tainted minister proved to be all the more reason for Amar Singh's misery, as he claimed that he was suffering from dementia and recounted no such challenge. The last nail in the coffin was a notice sent to Singh from the Helicopter Users' Union, regarding him having violated the helicopter users' code of conduct. All this has upset him by leaps and bounds, causing him to shed tears, according to Union Law Minister Salman Khurshid.

Verma's volte-face now seems to have inspired Pakistani leggie and spot-fixing accused Danish Kaneria, who was quoted saying "Mervyn's poor bowling was, in fact, a slip of the ball. I have been a broker for a long time and I don't remember what the deal was, with Mervyn, but I am innocent", before being whisked away.

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this satiric post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

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Jairam Ramesh appoints Wilbur Sargunaraj to educate women about using toilets

2012-02-17T19:33:00.001+05:30

Union Minister for Rural Development Jairam Ramesh, who has created a storm by his comment on most women demanding cellphones, but not toilets, has defended his statement & now gone a step further, by appointing none other than India's first Youtube star and "Love Marriage" sensation Wilbur Sargunaraj, to demonstrate to Indian women, the art of using Eastern & Western latrines.

Jairam Ramesh shows the media his plan, Wilbur Sargunaraj demonstrates how to use the Eastern Latrine

Holding an immediate press conference in a bid to dowse the anger that has already erupted among the womenfolk of the country, Ramesh said "You, the media, did not let me finish when I made that statement. I said women demand more cellphones than toilets, as most women do not know how to use toilets when we construct them - be it the Indian style or the Western style. That is why 60% of women defecate in the open, in a country which has 700 million mobile phone users. Anyone can be taught how to use a mobile, but using latrines - who teaches such things? It is imperative that we launch a nationwide educational drive wherein people are taught how to use Eastern & Western latrines. I happened to see Wilbur's videos on Youtube and was wholly convinced instantly, that he is just the man we need. Wilbur, being the gem of the person that he is, has accepted my request wholeheartedly".

When asked about this, Sargunaraj, who was all smiles, seated next to Ramesh, sounded highly positive, saying that he has even readied a promotional song in order to raise awareness about this nationwide drive. The first few lines of the song go -

"No more shitting in the voopan (open)

Yinside (Inside) it will happan (happen)

Yuvar (Your) CQ you will sharpun (sharpen) (CQ = Cultural Quotient)

Very good very good"

This apart, he said that he has also been teaching young village girls to go to their parents and sing a rehash of his world-famous chartbuster, "Love Marriage". "Mummy daddy..I want a new latrine..Yeppadiyo aiyayo", a little girl was shown on stage, singing to her illiterate parents. Never failing to leverage such situations to gain political mileage, the BJP ridiculed the UPA Government of roping in who they claim to be a "forgotten" star & thereby, not keeping up with the times. Holding another high-decibel press conference, BJP senior leader L.K.Advani announced a "Shit Yatra" throughout the country, which would ensure education about latrine usage, along with none other than "Kolaveri" sensation Dhanush, whom the party has signed up, in order to counter the Wilbur song. Dhanush too, entertained the media, by singing the first few lines of his song, which went -

"Yo girls..I am sing song..Shit song...

Shit-u Shit-u,

not outside-u,

inside-u toilet-u

God bless-u!".

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"The Spirit of Lagaan" by Satyajit Bhatkal: Book review / my experience

2012-02-17T18:08:00.000+05:30

A NON-SATIRIC POST ..for a change :) hehe

NOTE -
THIS REVIEW OF MINE IS A BOOK IN ITSELF :) SO READ ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE THE TIME :)

I would rather not call this a book review...I would call this an experience...There are some books which, after being given a read, make you look at them like they are living beings, with life exploding in them...They make you attach to them, a significant quota of affection and sentiment for people/things you like...They make their home in your heart, only to live there, safe and secure forever...They somehow end up warranting at least a hemispherical portion of your sphere of thoughts, if not more...This book is one such piece of magic :)

It is usually not a great deal for me to give my opinion about any book...However, the very thought of giving my honest opinion about a book of this unparalleled stature, in a manner which comes even remotely close to doing justice to how the book actually is, daunts me & gives me shivers down the spine...However, with the minuscule molecule of English-writing paraphernalia that God has been kind enough to give me in this life, I shall , but make a humble attempt...

The cover of the masterpice

Lagaan

Before getting into the book, I guess I have to mention what Lagaan means to me :) ...So let me talk a bit about Lagaan first...As it would surely be among many a reader's all-time favorites...It is, as a matter of fact, MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE HINDI FILM :) ...Lagaan is, in my opinion, THE MOST different Hindi film EVER made...the BEST Hindi film ever made...If ever there should be an example of or synonym to the word "perfection"...it can be this...Everything about the movie is nothing short of exemplary, spectacular, incredible, mind-blowing & out of the universe - be it the far-beyond-anyone-could-have-possibly-imagined story, or the perfectly-transitive-from-the-story-to-celluloid direction, the realistic-yet-goosebumps-ensuring dialogues, the realism which just makes you erase the word "fiction" of your dictionary, Aamir's performance of a lifetime - you really see Aamir's life on screen, because that is what he has given into his performance - his life; AR Rahman's best musical score ever - it takes an outstanding creative vision, a fitting-to-a-T understanding of people's feelings and emotions, an unbelievable knowledge of music of all kinds to come up with such a PERFECTLY manipulative background score and soundtrack; Javed Akhtar at the peak of his poetic genius..be it the Hindi lyrics which already feel musical just by mere narration..or the English lines in "O rey chori".

Lagaan also holds sentimental value for me, as it was the last ever movie I saw with my parents in the theater, before my dad passed away. The time of us watching this movie was special too. In a family like ours where tension and anxiety shatters its way beyond the sky even for a mosquito bite (I don't blame them for it. In fact, I am proud of the fact that I see such concern & affection only within the family and never anywhere else in the world), one can imagine the magnitude of tension during my Class X board exams. This movie was the perfect de-stresser then. We watched it at Pushpanjali theater in Shivanagar. I have never seen people screaming louder and dancing more for any other movie in my entire life. Every boundary, wicket & six was madly screamed at & I wouldn't have been surprised if the theater's roof came crashing down. I've really lost count of the number of times I've seen the movie ever since. I remember watching this with almost everyone I know :D ...right from watching it with Abhiram when he was in Bangalore...to watching it with Ranjitha and Avin when I visited them in San Diego..This movie will always be watched often in all corners of the world, for there is none like it :). I always cry whenever innocent, little Thibu wails after being run out and one of the Englishmen says "Go home, your mother's waiting!". I know the ending & I've seen it way too many times, but thanks to the acting, direction & MOST IMPORTANTLY, the background music, my heart WILL ALWAYS be in my mouth whenever I watch the climax.

I remember the impact it had on me. I always wanted to win every gully cricket match with all the might and vigor instilled in me by the movie. I always wanted to heave a six off the very first ball of the innings, like Bhuvan, whenever I opened the batting. I was a leg-spinner, so I always wanted to ball to turn like that of Kachra's. I wanted it to rain whenever I won any gully cricket match. I played "book cricket" too, with Lagaan characters & the Indian team. I wanted Bhuvan to score a century in book cricket too, and it did happen once or twice :D. This movie is the very best of AR Rahman. Just the mere karaokes of the movie's songs, without any lyrics are enough to make you feel the way you should be feeling in their respective situations. The Lagaan Theme song will always give me goosebumps and overwhelm me with might, poise & grandeur whenever I listen to it. It is the theme which perfectly conveys the scintillating challenge and magnanimous battle that life is. In my opinion, this instrumental is the single best work of ARR, till date. Chale Chalo shall always be THE ONE & ONLY PERFECT motivational song, no matter how many Chak Des and De Ghumma Kes follow in the years to come. The very beat of the song is enough to pump you up with josh. Tears ALWAYS roll in my eyes when Rahman screams "Tooth gayi jo" and "Dharti hila dhenge" and so on, just like they do whenever I listen to "Vellai Pookal". Oh, where have you gone, AR Rahman? You have fallen into the trap of commercialism, which is hindering your creativity. It is obvious for everyone to see. Where, oh, where is such magic these days, in your music? Why doesn't my soul resonate with your music these days, like it ALWAYS used to, earlier? In my humble opinion, I really feel AR Rahman should stop caring about the traps of commercialism, experimentation and just concentrate on doing what the situation demands, like he did in Vinnai Thaandi Varuvaaya. A movie like this has never been made before and can never be made again :).

The Spirit of Lagaan

Coming to the book, I have to thank my brother's mother-in-law for giving me this ..well, I hate to use the word "book" each time, because, like I said, it is something which bursts with life on every page! There are words which seem to be a little closely appropriate like the ultimate roller coaster ride etc, but I still don't get the exact words to describe this book & I don't think I ever will ! I told you, describing this book in a manner anywhere close to doing justice to it, is nothing short of a nightmare! So I will just refer to it as TSOL instead of calling it a mere book.

Anyway, the first things I'd like to say about TSOL are these:

1. To cut the long story short, there can't be a better demonstration attached to the phrase "dream come true" than this piece of magic called "Lagaan" which has been weaved after putting far-beyond-superhuman effort.

2. There can't be a better implication of the moral "Hard work done with all sincerity can even move mountains" than this movie.

3. There can't be a better example to say that no matter who you are, what you do & where you are...whether you are an Aamir Khan or an impoverished beggar ..THERE IS NO SHORTCUT TO SUCCESS...YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD, SWEAT IT OUT, GO THROUGH ALL THE TURMOIL AND ANGUISH...TO BEAR FRUIT...

4. While Lagaan can be the most fascinating and entertaining Hindi movie ever made, TSOL is a parallel, unbelievably equally, or may be, an even better fascinating and entertaining story :)

5. There's one thing Ashutosh has proved with this movie - "First they laugh at you, then they ignore you, then they follow you". So, an important moral - "NEVER BE SCARED TO DREAM !!"

When you see a dream come true, being blessed with every first-hand detail of how the mission was accomplished - nothing can be more invaluable than that :) ...SO TSOL, MORE THAN BEING A BOOK ABOUT THE MAKING OF A MOVIE, IS A PERFECT, MOTIVATIONAL GUIDE ON THE EFFORTS, TRAVAILS, PERILS, CAVEATS, SACRIFICES, SINCERITY, DETERMINATION, STEADFASTNESS, DISCIPLINE & TO A CERTAIN EXTENT, LUCK THAT IT MOSTLY TAKES IN LIFE, AS A WHOLE, TO MAKE A DREAM COME TRUE; TO TRANSPORT YOUR DREAM FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR HEART TO REALITY AS IT IS; ABOUT HOW A SINGLE, UNIFYING & ABIDING "SPIRIT" WITHIN YOU CAN MAKE YOU SAIL THROUGH THE INEVITABLE HIGHS & LOWS OF LIFE TO PULL OFF THE IMPOSSIBLE !

TSOL is just like Lagaan - both of them have the same morals, the same takeaways to offer, the same principles to demonstrate & overall, the main ingredient they share largely in common, IS THE SPIRIT - THE SPIRIT OF LAGAAN, which ENSURES TRIUMPH AND JUBILATION IN THE END . The parallels drawn between the movie and its making are just beyond credibility !!

TSOL highlights how importance & care have been exercised EQUALLY on every single proton, neutron & electron associated with Lagaan. Every bit of TSOL is a bonafide certificate and authentic proof as to why Aamir Khan is called "The Perfectionist". It comes across as no surprise that TSOL is being used in management institutes as a case study regarding teamwork, team management, team spirit among other relevant factors.

The look and feel of TSOL is AS CREATIVE AS the movie, with each chapter being named after an AMAZINGLY ASTONISHINGLY relevant & appropriate lyric or a dialogue from the movie. KUDOS to the author's creativity. This is one of those pieces of art & magic, which ACTUALLY makes you feel the way you are supposed to.VERY FEW books have that capability.

When you read TSOL, you are transported away from the fast-paced, mad, competitive world into a completely different planet. During the one month that I took to read this book, not for a second did I even feel that I'm a Gen-X youth and a new-age techie or whatever you can say. I was so sunk in & so drowned in the book, that I felt like one among the tens of thousands of 19th century villagers who were present there. Some books do that to you. You don't feel like you are reading about a story which happened somewhere sometime ago. You feel like you have been taken away and placed in the midst of a story which is happening right in front of you & you actually tend to feel the proximity between you and the characters you are reading about. TSOL makes you feel like you are in the ground and Bhuvan is batting a few yards away.

Mind you, I'm not kidding when I say this - Whenever there was the description of intense & extreme heat in the barren, drought-struck land of Kutch & the weariness & wear and tear of the whole unit, I actually felt very hot, increased the fan speed and drank a glass of chilled water! Such was the impact on me! Whenever there was good progress in the shooting, I used to feel relieved. Whenever there was physical, mental, emotional stress the unit members were going through, trust me, I felt very stressed reading those things! That's the thing about TSOL - In all your comforts and luxury, IT STILL MAKES YOU FEEL EXACTLY WHAT THE UNIT WAS GOING THROUGH THERE ! It really drowns you & submerges you in itself !

A lot of portions in this book were about the challenges and difficulties faced by the unit, which makes a very stressful read. I did get a slight headache too, once, while reading this. There have been quite a few books I've read, which make stressful reads & you tend to stop them half-way. But TSOL, despite being the MOST stressful reading experience for me, STILL DID NOT DISSUADE ME from reading it ! I sulked and sulked as did the unit during all the hardships they faced. Especially, when the movie took a toll on the health of the unit members, particularly when Ashutosh & a few others had to be hospitalized at different points, when Aamir's feet wore away due to the extreme heat, it really disturbed me. I really wanted them to go up to them & tell them to give up the movie at that point and take their own time to do it in their comfort and leisure, until I realized that I was in a book and not some current affair :D..There were many points in the book where I just thought whether I have to continue reading or not, because of the way the book made me feel stressed. BUT YET, there was SOMETHING about TSOL, which still made want to GO BACK to it, turn the page and continue reading a little more, EACH TIME ! :)

Well, that is it ! - TSOL SIMPLY INSTILLS ITS OWN SPIRIT IN YOU !!!!!!!! :) :) :)
The "NEVER SAY DIE" attitude is contagiously transferred to you, as you endure all the emotions the book stirs in you, until you get to the very end ! :) The best way the message is conveyed is in the line which says that every member of the unit had to pay his share of Lagaan for the movie to be made :).

There is a humungous amount of detail in TSOL which I can talk about, which can fill up an entire planet :). But I will leave it you guys to read and FEEL the Spirit of Lagaan. Let me just give a synopsis of the story. The story begins with Ashutosh Gowariker, a nearly out-of-the-reckoning director with 2 box-office disasters on his belt, setting out to make a movie with a story that has never been narrated before throughout the world, surely even in anyone's dreams!

When Ashu narrates it to Aamir Khan, he dismisses it as a mere fantasy and asks him to ditch the idea right-away. TSOL talks about how the film industry in Mumbai runs, where producers care two hoots for the script and are only bothered about which star is acting in the movie. How producers are all business-minded and want to make only those movies which can get them good returns, no matter how ridiculous the storyline is, as long as there is a good star. A prime example of such a movie is Mela, the one which Aamir was doing just before he eventually conceded to do Lagaan.

However, here's where The Spirit of Lagaan begins - Ashutosh, though disheartened, does not give up, because he has this gut feeling that he's on to something big. He develops the script after doing a lot of research and repeatedly tries to coax Aamir, until one fine day, on hearing his narration of the script, Aamir is moved. Aamir realizes that this is not something ordinary, there is something special about this one. Ashutosh has to do many more such narrations to convince Aamir's family members etc. Aamir, who is hesitant to produce any film in life, due to fear of his family's once-upon-a-time financial losses returning, finally decides to go ahead and take the plunge.

The who's who of film-making fall for the mesmerizing charm of the movie and slowly the unit builds up. However, Aamir insists that people who join the unit, do so SOLELY because of the script & NOT because of him. This condition is put across RIGHT from financier Jhamu Sughand to India's best music director, AR Rahman. Aamir's commitment to the script has been BEST described when the author says - "Producers usually make a beeline and plead with Rahman to do their films. Rahman usually turns many of them down & here is Aamir, himself telling Rahman not to do the film if he does not believe in the script". Aamir tells this to Rahman not once, but at least twice or thrice during the making of the movie. Rahman is taken aback, but agrees. Aamir STILL insists that Rahman listen to the script narration by Ashutosh before making up his mind & signing the dotted line. Rahman is surprised beyond words, agrees and finally becomes a victim of the script's charm. He eventually agrees. He does this with Jhamu, as well as EVERY unit member who comes on board.

So there you go, right from the producer till the spot boy, ONLY THOSE WHO BELIEVE IN THE SCRIPT OF THE MOVIE SHALL BE ENTERTAINED. Others can drop out. HATS OFF TO AAMIR !! WHO ELSE but him, could've come up with such an uncompromising rule? This gives out the message LOUD AND CLEAR - In Lagaan, THE SCRIPT SHALL ALWAYS BE THE BACKBONE, NOT AAMIR ! ANYTHING CAN BE COMPROMISED, BUT NOT THE SCRIPT !! Even in the middle, when Rachel Shelley throws tantrums and creates a hue and cry, Aamir curtly tells her to walk out if she wants, until she realizes the man's commitment, is awed by it and mellows down. This is a lesson for all the movie-makers of today. No matter how many storeys of a film you build, with all 3D technology or glossy SFX effects or photography formats or other technicalities, if the basic foundation i.e. your script is flawed, THE MOVIE WILL COLLAPSE.

Very, VERY few actors put the script of the movie ahead of themselves. The only other actor I've seen SURRENDERING himself to scripts is Kamal Hassan & may be, to some extent, Vikram. Lyricist Javed Akhtar initially ridicules the script, saying that it is too much of a fantasy, but he too, is eventually sucked into the insanity of the whole thing :) and gives in!

The rest of the book is about how this unit braves all the tumultuous and turbulent conditions in the months ahead, how the unit is drained to the point of giving up YET, does not give up and how the unit crosses the finish line with all determination and commitment. How much of a toll making this film takes on their professional lives as well as personal lives, how many sacrifices had to be made, what Aamir's wife Reena went through, as a producer, how this opened a whole new dream world for the British actors and so on.
I cannot throw more light on this part, if I do, my review would be longer than the book itself :D

I shall, however, list out a few moments from the book which shall remain etched in my mind forever.

When Ashutosh is on the lookout for locations and more or less, makes up his mind on Kutch. But Aamir tells him not to worry about the budget & asks him to travel throughout the length and breadth of India to select proper locations. Instead of using sets in Mumbai's Film City, they decided to construct a whole Champaner illage itself, in Kutch. The entire unit is stationed in a newly rented apartment in the nearby town of Bhuj. The houses in the village had to be built according to the olden days, with cow dung used in large quantities on the walls. This is the best line of the book - "Never has bullshit played this important a role in any film!" :D....All the characters spent time at their homes to get a feel of them. These homes would serve as bathrooms for the unit. The temple in the village had to be built without cement. Drinking was banned. A large amount of hay had to be brought in for the animals on the set - horses, cows etc.

The makers had to get a large number of ancient items but the villagers refused to sell them. This is another beautiful moment in the book, whether the author talks about how self-respect, culture and tradition still play an important role for the villagers, more than money. There you go! The most valuable lesson for today's youth - Money isn't everything! Self-respect & other old, human values are!

The movie is shot with sync sound to add to the realistic feel. Sync sound poses a huge threat because of the vehicle sounds, jet sounds etc far away & often warrants the 10,000 odd crowd to maintain pin-drop silence. Karan Johar, Aditya Chopra advise Aamir against it, but the perfectionist does not budge. Sync Sound it is!

I really faint and collapse whenever I think about the attention paid to every single intricate detail by Aamir. You know, if there was a scene in Lagaan where Aamir had to die, I think Aamir would have even given up his own life to make the scene look realistic !!!!!! THAT WAS HIS LEVEL OF PASSION, OBSESSION, COMMITMENT TO ENSURING THE REALISM AND PLAUSIBILITY OF THE MOVIE !!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM NOT KIDDING !! It was also amazing how much attention has been given in order to make sure every member of the unit is kept mentally happy and cheerful, so that he can give his best to the movie! NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER PRODUCER DOES ALL THIS !!!!!! VERY FEW PEOPLE ON EARTH PUT THE MOVIE AHEAD OF THEMSELVES !!!

AAMIR HAS SENT OUT A LOUD & CLEAR MESSAGE TO THE WORLD - NOTHING, NOT EVEN HUGE MONETARY PROFITS TASTE SWEETER THAN CREATIVE SATISFACTION !!

I will really faint if I even begin to list out the intricate details like ensuring that there are no shoe marks on the ground, no vehicle marks, cricket antiques - the strenuous hunt in London for 19th century British cricket gear, Paul Blackthrone doing his own homework about the then British military mannerisms, the salutes etc, as well as the then cricketers' batting stances, bowling actions and so on. The decision that the movie would not be in Hindi, but in Awadhi, a dialect spoken by villagers which can be understood, Aamir's struggles with it. Ashutosh's shooting despite illness, Aamir's & Gracy's shooting despite their injuries. An Englishman who is grievously injured during a run-out shoot, but stays on until the shot is cut to add to the reality and then stuns everyone when it is shown that he was actually injured...Aaaah !!!!!!!! My mind has already gone numb, I feel unconscious just by reading about all this. Imagine how overwhelmed the unit members must have actually been !!!

AAMIR KHAN, YOU ARE SIMPLY NOT A HUMAN BEING ! :D
YOU'RE TOO PERFECT TO BE ONE !! :D :D

Also, the discipline just silences all your thoughts. Food not being served for latecomers, the bus not waiting for those who are late. Aamir himself had to face punishment for this. This crushed all the egos of all the artists, particularly Rachael Shelley. Again, the message is clear. Everyone right from Aamir to the spotboy shall be treated equally and abide by the same rules, the ONLY thing special in the movie is the script. Nothing else.

Well, I'm exhausted after writing so much :) PHEW!! The unit goes through so much emotionally, mentally, physically. But one factor drives everyone ...one spirit ..one contagious spirit tightly bonds the entire unit, with an eclectic, yet, firmly united composition - Brits, Gujaratis, Mumbaikars, villagers, so tightly, that they work in harmony like a family...one spirit carries a unit of 10,000 and odd right from the start line, through all the turbulence and disasters possible right up to the finish line...and that is The Spirit Of Lagaan...:)

This line by Javed Akhtar, from the song "Mitwa" sums up the movie as well as the book best - "Sach aur ehsaas jiske mann mein, anth mein jeet usi ki rahe !" :)

My rating - ∞ / 5 :)...A must-read ...:)
A life-changing, mind-numbing, heartbeat-stopping, thought-silencing experience. Kudos Satyajit Bhatkal, you have written what no other author in this world can write even in his wildest of dreams, about a film which no other director in this world can make even in his wildest of dreams :).

BMC elections cancelled; Salman Khan to conduct voting in Bigg Boss 6

2012-02-16T21:14:00.000+05:30

In a first-of-its-kind development in the history of India, the just-held Brihanmumbai Municipal Commission (BMC) elections in Mumbai have been cancelled due to poor voter turnout, in the wake of news reports all over suggesting that only an average of over 30% of Mumbai-kars came in to vote.

Bollywood Superstar Salman Khan can't wait to conduct the BMC elections in the upcoming season of India's most popular reality show, Bigg Boss

The announcement, which shook the nation far beyond any Richter scale measure, was made late in the evening by Chief Election Commissioner Shahabuddin Yaqoob Quraishi, who said - "For the first time in the history of the nation, a municipal election has been cancelled due to poor voter turnout. Well, you see, the rationale behind such a decision is simple. Take the case of an education board. In a public examination, if the overall pass percentage is less than 30%, isn't it highly likely that there would be a re-exam or re-evaluation to improve the percentage to a respectable one? Re-evaluation would not be of much help in this context, so a re-election it is!".

Continuing his address to the mainstream media, Quraishi said "The Election Commission of India, after arduous & meticulous research, has discovered that the maximum voting done by residents of Mumbai is only for the reality television show, Bigg Boss. Hence, by the power of the authority vested in me by the constitution of India, I hereby appoint Salman Khan, the host of Bigg Boss 6 to ensure the participation of candidates as contestants on the show, & to ensure the voting in a manner which abides by the rules of the show and thereby appeals to Mumbai-kars & maximizes voting turnout".

Candidates from the Shiv Sena-BJP alliance, Raj Thackeray's MNS and the Congress-NCP alliance would now have to gear up to transition into contestants in the Bigg Boss house. The Shiv Sena-BJP alliance believes that it has a greater chance of winning the elections this way, as they feel that their vehement opposition towards the release of Shah Rukh Khan's "My Name is Khan" a few years ago could prove to be a decisive factor, considering the bad blood between SRK and Salman. This has not gone down well with NCP chief Sharad Pawar, who was supposed to have shed tears of dejection, according to another Salman, the Union Law Minister Salman Khurshid. Pawar, according to sources, is contemplating financing what is purported to most likely be Salman Khan's next movie, "Chowpatty", the remake of the recent Kollywood sleeper hit, "Marina".

According to close aides of Raj Thackeray, the MNS chief has reportedly been in touch with hotshot choreographer Shiamak Davar, in order to help him groove to Salman's chartbuster "Dhinka Chika". Needless to say, all parties have unanimously taken "Ra.One" & "Don 2" to the trash cans, with their new, nothing-short-of-scathing reviews.

Reacting to the announcement by the Election Commission, Salman Khan made an open announcement to Quraishi, by thanking him for the honor bestowed and ensuring high voting turnout, by saying "Ek baar jo maine commitment kar li..to phir main apne aap ka bhi nahin sunta". He concluded by adding another line, which was "mujhpe ek ehsaan karna ki mujhpe koi ehsaan nahi karna".

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David Shepherd haunts Vijay Mallya !

2012-02-16T14:33:00.000+05:30

As if the third-quarter loss of his airline, Kingfisher, amounting to a whopping 444 crore wasn't enough, liquor and airline baron Dr.Vijay Mallya had another reason to sweat profusely and lose his sleep yesterday night, as he claims that he saw the ghost of late cricket umpiring legend David Shepherd appearing before him to do his trademark hop skip and jump.

Late cricket umpire David Shepherd does his signature hop skip and jump; a flabbergasted Vijay Mallya cannot believe his eyes

"It may probably be the effect of the beer & whisky, but I'm quite sure that yesterday night, as I was about to sleep, I saw Shep appearing before me and doing his famed triple-digit act - a hop skip and jump. That scared the hell out of me and I immediately called out to Sid, who left his routine and hectic job of shaking the house's grilled fence to come and attend to me", recounted a hung-over Dr.Mallya. The junior Mallya, later tweeted "Been getting RTs about David Shepherd & dad. Not 2 sure who he was, an umpire of some sorts? It seems something abt dad has concerned him!" (sic), which attracted sharp & caustic reactions from ardent admirers of the seasoned campaigner of umpiring, with Bollywood actress Ayesha Takia, a self-proclaimed die hard fan of Shepherd, leading the pack. Not one to be bogged down by criticism, Siddhartha continued tweeting, saying "Dunno why Shepherd is haunting so much when he hasn't seen the exact figure himself. There are always two sides to a story. Pipe down love!" (sic).

With rumor mills working overtime that former Indian cricketer and commentator Navjot Singh Sidhu was also an erstwhile exorcist, the senior Mallya apparently approached Sidhu in a bid to exorcise Shepherd, to which the Sardar promptly refused, saying "You can take a shepherd out of an umpire, my friend, but you cannot take an umpire out of Shepherd !". Sources say that the Mallyas are pondering over selling the airline to the India Cements group, the owners of the Chennai Super Kings franchise. "If they can spend 2 million USD alone on Ravindra Jadeja, I'm sure 444 crore on Kingfisher Airlines should be a piece of cake for them too!", said one such source.

Congress follows Shiv Sena instead of reacting, launches ad against BSP

2012-02-15T13:13:00.001+05:30

THIS NEWS IS FAKE :) , NOT TRUE!

IT IS INTENDED TO BE A FUNNY POST & TO BE TAKEN IN JEST, NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

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Inspired by the hugely popular advertisement published by the Shiv Sena against it in local newspaper Mumbai Mirror, the Congress party, instead of reacting to the ad, has surprisingly decided to repeat the act, by publishing the following ad against Uttar Pradesh chief minister Mayawati's Bahujan Samaj Party (BSP), in Mumbai Mirror's UP counterpart, Lucknow Mirror.

Taking a cue from the Shiv Sena instead of reacting to them, the Congress Party hit out at the BSP with this ad in newspaper "Lucknow Mirror".

The witty, yet grammatically incorrect ad published by the Sena has achieved massive popularity in what seems to be a symbiotic deal, as both "Shiv Sena" as well as "Mumbai Mirror" were trending on Twitter during the early hours of today. The Congress Party, however, couldn't have cared less about the ad, as all rest their hopes on the ongoing UP elections. The Shiv Sena is confident that no one can snatch victory from their hands, as Lord Shiva himself was shown blessing them from the Himalayan skies.

The grapevine has it that Congress Party chief Sonia Gandhi was the mastermind behind imitating the Sena's move and launching an ad against the BSP, which thrilled daughter Priyanka Gandhi to bits, so much so, that she even pulled her mother's cheek. Shiv Sena supremo Bal Thackeray proudly proclaimed victory, saying "First they laughed at us, then they ignored us, now they are following us!". Throwing more light on this surprising move was Union HRD Minister Kapil Sibal, who said - "The UPA Government has decided to spend zero time on reacting to such things. Besides, we have decided to follow these guys blindly, because later on, if it backfires against us, we can always put the blame on the Shiv Sena, just like how we blamed the BJP for the 2G scam. Let me start right here with this basic grammatical error. If people ask us about it, I will tell them that it is the Sena's English which is flawed & we just happened to follow it".

Not the one to take things lightly, BSP chief Mayawati has struck back with the ad given below:

Mayawati gives it right back to the UPA government with this ad

Meanwhile, as if political parties hitting out at each other wasn't enough, substantial newspaper "The Hindu", headed by Siddharth Varadarajan, seemingly scared of being ticked down by Mirror hogging the limelight, is scheduled to launch a new set of ads. According to sources, the first of these ads has a video where people asked the question "Who was the founder of the Indian National Congress?" give answers like Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi, Indira Gandhi, Rajiv Gandhi among others, whereas when asked the question "If Pro is the opposite of Con, what is the opposite of Progress?", everyone answers "Congress" to perfection. The ad ends with the sign-off line "Look beyond the mirror with The Hindu".

Dhoni launches Maggi's new "Last-minute" noodles

2012-02-14T18:08:00.001+05:30

Highly impressed with Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni's last-over heroics in the recent matches of the triangular ODI series down under, noodles giant Maggi India roped in Dhoni to launch their latest offering, "last minute" noodles.

Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni launches Maggi India's latest offering, "Last Minute Noodles"

Addressing a large gathering at the grand launch event of their latest product, CEO of Nestle India, Antonio Helio said - "We have come to realize that Maggi is the staple food of over 90% of Indian students all over the world, as they all tend to study in the last-minute", to roof-shattering roars from the crowd. "Our recent customer surveys suggested that even our usual two-minute noodles ended up being a problem, for the new generation of ultra-lazy Indian students. Besides, studies done in the past few years by our customer relations group depicted that two-minute noodles was being used mostly to measure how long Saurav Ganguly's innings lasted. So, we decided to come up with a new kind of noodles, which would be hot & delicious in, mark my words, just 1-minute. Hence the name, 'Last-minute' noodles.", Helio added.

"We were thinking of a popular figure to endorse the brand in India. We had Dhanush in mind, but after the Sachin anthem debacle & after Kolaveri did not win a Grammy, we decided against him. To our good fortune, we were able to catch the last couple of matches of the ODI series & after seeing Dhoni's innings in both, we were like - Well well, we've got our man! There could be none other than him who could do justice to the nature of the product!", said Helio, before being interrupted by surprise anchor Ravi Shastri, who appeared out of nowhere and said - "You mean, Helio, Dhoni was just what the doctor ordered !", with the crowd's whistles hitting the roof. "Err..Yes Ravi..We approached Dhoni about this & without thinking even for a second, he said - Well, of course!", gleamed a cheerful Helio.

Making his way out of the stage, Helio said "Alright we have 10 minutes left in the event, I think it's time to hand over the dais to Dhoni himself, who would cook the first ever packet of 'Last minute' Maggi for you all", to a thunderous applause welcoming the Indian Captain. "Hey Helio, wait! What about Indian curry?", asked Ravi Shastri, leaving a puzzled Helio walking away without responding. "Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's Mahendra Singh Dhoni. Well, M.S, all set to flash the noodles hard ?", continued Shastri.

"Well, of course you know, it is a great feeling to be launching Maggi's last minute noodles. But I would like my best friends Ravindra Jadeja and Joginder Sharma to join me in the launch. So I am waiting for them", said Dhoni. The minutes ticked by quite soon, with Jadeja & Sharma nowhere in sight. "I just get the feeling, MS, that this one could go down to the wire", said Shastri at almost the end of the 8th minute, when Jadeja & Sharma sprinted on to the stage. Dhoni instantly turned the stove on & inserted the contents into the vessel filled with water & started stirring them. He paused to demand 4 liters of milk, but was then told that Maggi is made without milk. Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan was whisked away by security guards when he tried to gatecrash into the premises with a box of curd rice. "He's mixing it up nicely, the crowd are on the edge of their seats. All results are possible at this stage", exclaimed Shastri to the crowd. The noodles was eventually ready, in true Dhoni-style, with 1 second to spare. "Ladies and gentlemen, the man with loads of experience and a cool head on his shoulders, has done it yet again. Over 10 minutes have passed, over 10 million packets have been launched & in the end, it can only be said that the item called Maggi is the winner!", concluded Shastri, leaving the crowd in hysteria.

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Salman Khurshid keeps his word, mandates 9 Muslims in "Dance India Dance"

2012-02-13T09:06:00.002+05:30

Facing the heat from the Election Commission as well as his own party, Law Minister Salman Khurshid has somehow managed to climb his way out of quicksand & keep his word, by announcing a quota for 9 Muslims in the next season of India's most popular dance show, "Dance India Dance".

The "Dance India Dance" unit, Terrence, Remo & Salman Khurshid gear up for their next season with 9 Muslims, Mithunda says - "Now that's what I call a selection!"

The DID unit has apparently been very pleased with this decision, with Grand Master Mithun Chakraborty reportedly rising up to laud Khurshid and say "Now that's what I call a selection!". If sources close to Khurshid are to be believed, UPA president Sonia Gandhi was moved to tears on hearing Mithunda's comment. However, Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh has dubbed it as a mere figment of Khurshid's imagination & said that he probably got too carried away by the success of his selection plan. "Soniaji moved by your act ! Yeah Salman bhai, YOU WISH !", Singh tweeted.

So how did Khurshid achieve his objective? "Well, first of all, I tried saying things like - 'You can even make me dance tirelessly on stage. But there's no way I will go back on my word' !", said the Law Minister. When producers UTV software communications adamantly told him that it was against the rules, Khurshid decided to take matters into his own hands. He happened to discover that the participants list was maintained by India's Microsoft store, which he was easily able to hack & doctor, as the passwords were in plain text. Inspired by "Happy Kiss day", "Happy Rose Day" and all the other meaningless & nonsensical days, more & more Congress party workers have been signing up on Twitter & have decided to celebrate today as "Dance day", by ensuring that "Happy Dance Day" trends on Twitter.

With the UPA government giving two hoots to women, DID judge & choreographer Geeta Kapoor has been shown the door. However, Kapoor found support from the quarters of TMC leader & West Bengal Chief Minister Mamta Bannerjee, who has taken up this matter to be at loggerheads with the government yet again. However, Mamta clarified that she wasn't particularly supporting Kapoor; her main issue was the fact that she wasn't consulted before the decision to sack Kapoor was made. Taking over Kapoor to choreograph the Muslim team would be none other than Khurshid himself. With this, Geeta Kapoor joined the brigade of "hoax Twitter deaths" comprising Keanu Reeves, Justin Bieber among others, when "RIP Geeta Kapoor" began trending on Twitter today.

Following this move by the Congress party, BJP workers led by president Nitin Gadkari stormed into the DID studio & danced in protest against this move, leading to a stage collapse & a miraculous escape for Gadkari.

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Anna Hazare to go on fast again, until UPA answers whether Sonia Gandhi cried or not

2012-02-10T21:28:00.000+05:30

Caring two hoots for his illness, anti-corruption crusader Anna Hazare has announced that he would go on an indefinite fast-unto-death, until the UPA government came out with a concrete answer to the one greatest looming crisis over the nation, the one question of paramount importance which has to be answered now or never - Did Sonia Gandhi cry or not? According to Hazare, there cannot be a greater state of illness on earth than being denied the answer to the above question.

"I will go on fast again", announces Anna Hazare, as he waits with bated breath along with the whole nation to the answer to whether Sonia Gandhi cried or not

Addressing the press from Bangalore, where he is currently undergoing treatment, Hazare said - "Bharat mata ki jai ! I am going to go on an indefinite fast, until the UPA government announces whether Sonia Gandhi cried or not". When asked about the fate of the Lokpal Bill, Hazare surprisingly retorted - "Screw the Lokpal bill yaar ! It can go to dogs ! How can anything be greater & more important than this? The earth will stop revolving & will perish, if the nation does not know whether Sonia Gandhi cried or not, you know? I'm not even sure if I'll be able to fast properly, because of this! Such a question is to be viewed with utmost seriousness & has to be given more priority than anything else. It is a matter of national emergency!". 24x7 news across the country have already begun to debate on what has to & what should not be shown to Sonia Gandhi in future & how. Inside sources say that the CIA has also been briefed about the same & has been requested to carry out their investigations as soon as possible, for the welfare of the nation.

"But madam, what about female foeticide, poverty, unemployment, child rape, farmer suicides, inflation, terrorism etc?", a journalist asked Team Anna member & former top-cop, Kiran Bedi. "To hell with all that ! Let people perish for all the nation cares ! Nothing is greater than the question, whether Sonia Gandhi cried or not, okay?! Students will not be able to study properly & will fail in their exams. Farmers will not be able to focus on their crop cultivation. Animals will not eat food properly due to extreme inexpressible worry! Doctors won't be able to focus on their patients. Hell, even the Lokpal will not be able to function without knowing this, you know that? If there is anything which can bring the whole of India to a standstill, it is this one question! Even the army has not been able to fight properly, because the whole nation is extremely disturbed about this!", thundered an utterly anxious & distraught Bedi.

Team Anna member & former IRS official, Arvind Kejriwal said - "How can the government do this to the nation? This is worse than a terrorist attack or a natural calamity! People recover much faster from those things, but this one question - whether Sonia Gandhi cried or not, has gripped & paralyzed the nation to no end ! Sonia Gandhi is the absolute darling of the nation! No one is able to do anything without knowing the answer! Look at the Prime Minister! He is not opening his mouth even in this situation, where it concerns his own boss! Anna will fast until the nation gets an answer & is able to move on from this state of paralysis. We will also file an RTI application very soon."

In what seems to make the dramatic turn of events more dramatic, Janata Party President Subramanian Swamy has tweeted - "Dropping all cases against everyone until I know whether Sonia Gandhi cried or not! Mind not functioning, brain dead!"

NOTE:

THIS NEWS IS NOT TRUE! IT IS A SATIRIC POST!

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Teesta out, Batista in ; Arnab Goswami attacked !

2012-02-10T12:49:00.003+05:30

Following her inability to debate an issue with Supreme Court advocate Meenakshi Lekhi & her cowardly walk-out of Arnab Goswami's show, "The Newshour" on news channel Times Now yesterday, social activist Teesta Setalvad has decided to quit activism, in a move as abrupt as her walk-out itself. However, the interesting fact of the matter is that replacing her will be none other than six-time WWE world champion Dave Batista, also known as "The Animal"!

The news was confirmed by Teesta herself. "I just turned 50 yesterday & this was no way to celebrate my birthday. They say life begins at 50, but all I got yesterday, throughout the day was poundings from everywhere. That's when it occurred to me that I don't have it in me anymore to fight & it was time to hang up my boots".

How did the decision of roping in Batista come in to picture? "Well, you know the legacy of Teesta has to live on; if I step down, someone else should bat for Teesta. That's when it struck me - Bat-teesta ! I have always been a fighter, so there's no prize for guessing that my favorite sport has always been WWE. Batista was my favorite wrestler, a bit because our names are similar, but largely because he looks Oh-so-stunning! Sigh! If only I were younger! Hope my husband doesn't hear this! ", gushed Teesta with a wink.

"I got across to him & briefed him about this. Contrary to my pessimistic expectations, he jumped in joy and accepted my suggestion right-away! Oh I love him even more now!", blushed the soft-spoken Teesta, like a teenage schoolgirl. "It is going to be fun to watch the panelists as well as Arnab 'Loudmouth' Goswami dealing with the mighty Batista now", exclaims a thrilled Teesta as she switches on Times Now for today's episode of "The Newshour".

[Click on the image for a larger view]

Dave Batista, Meenakshi Lekhi, Renuka Chowdhary & Ravi Shankar Prasad battle it out on "The Newshour Debate" with Arnab Goswami

Arnab Goswami: Ladies & Gentlemen, welcome to The Newshour Debate. Tonight, I've got with me, Supreme Court advocate Meenakshi Lekhi, BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad, Congress senior leader Renuka Chowdhary & lastly, the man of the moment, six-time WWE champion & social activist from today, Dave Batista. Let me first get across to Dave Batista. Dave, what made you suddenly quit wrestling & get into activism?

Batista: I always wanted to do something for ...(interruption)

Arnab: No, I'm sorry Dave, you did not. It would only be correct, Dave, if you could explain how much Teesta Setalvad has paid you for doing her job.

Batista: No, one minute Arnab. I've been seeking an opportunity to work for India...(interruption)

Arnab: Sorry Dave, that is not correct. You're only looking at the monetary benefits of this from Teesta. Let me quickly get across to Meenakshi Lekhi..

Meenakshi: Hmmm..kal Setalvad ko maine theek se settle ki..ab Batista ko main yahan se Barista tak bhejungi ....(Interruption)

Renuka Chowdhary: What is this nonsense, Arnab? How can an advocate speak like this?

Arnab: One moment, Ms.Chowdhary, if I could get Ravi Shankar Prasad on the line please..Mr.Prasad?

Ravi Shankar Prasad: Haha, Arnab. Even an animal has started social activism, that explains why the world is going to end in 2012, haha! ...(Interruption)

Arnab: Clearly, gentlemen, it is now understood that the end of the world is what the BJP is thinking about. Renuka Chowdhary, your thoughts on this.

Ravi Shankar Prasad: No, Arnab, wait., that was a joke ..(Interruption)

Renuka Chowdhary: Haha, Arnab. When has the BJP ever thought about anything else, other than the end of the UPA government or the end of the world? What they're not seeing is that they're nearing their own end.

Ravi Shankar Prasad: Batista cannot be doing social activism in India as he is not an Indian!

Renuka Chowdhary: Oh, come on, Mr.Prasad. If Antonia Maino is Sonia Gandhi, Raul Vinci is Rahul Gandhi, so is Batista "Bhatt Teesta". In fact, you can ask Mahesh Bhatt. He has already signed Bhatt Teesta to act in Jism 3 !

( Chaotic argument ensues between Chowdhary & Prasad )

Arnab: One moment, gentlemen; I have to get back to Dave Batista. Oops! Where did he go? Dave? Are you there, Dave?

Suddenly, without any hint whatsoever, Arnab is lifted by The Animal & is given a powerful "Batista bomb". Times Now journalists unanimously applaud & cheer. Other panelists run for cover. "#Batistabomb" , "Thank you Batista" & "Arnab Goswami" trend on Twitter. Twitter-verse is filled with tweets lauding the great, social, yeoman service to the nation done by Batista. Several journalists tweet in support of The Animal.

"@tnabatista couldn't have possibly begun his social service stint on a better note! Wishing him the very best!", tweets NDTV journalist Barkha Dutt, to which The Animal replies "@BDUTT - thanks babe! I have to let u know though, that u're next! Xoxo!", which sees a lakh retweets in less than an hour. Barkha threatens to sue him. The day ends with founder of CNN-IBN Rajdeep Sardesai tweeting "I strongly condemn Batista's attack on Arnab Goswami. He should have given him one more #Batistabomb. F you Batista. Gnight".

NOTE:

THIS NEWS IS NOT TRUE, IT IS A FAKE ARTICLE

WRITTEN IN JEST & MEANT TO BE TAKEN IN GOOD

HUMOR.

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On crossing 100 fans - A note of thanks

2012-02-09T18:05:00.000+05:30

Breaking away from satire :D ...I just wanted to express my HEARTFELT thanks to each and every one who has liked my FB page :) ..It is TRULY a HONOR for me ..considering I'm a nobody :P ...& the fact that I'm an ugly guy ...not a hot chick :P or a "HD" Kumaraswamy :D ..

Anyways, I know that when it comes to music - I'm amateur ..not professional ...& like some trolls have abused me, I may well suck donkey 3@||$. A lot of people have told me that I write too much, I write too informally, & I write too often :D ..without giving any gap :D ...But that's just me!! :D So yeah, considering all this, getting 100 likes on my page is TRULY an HONOR...and like an award for me :) :) ..all this, considering THE MOST important fact, that I have NEVER, at any point, asked ANYONE to like my page :) :) ..Whoever has done so, has done on their own will & appreciation :) :)...Right from the very first person to like the page, Thejas :) ..until the 100th one, Shaswath :) ..

Thanks A TON people :) ..for all your support, encouragement, blessings, appreciation, criticism ...Thanks a bunch for everything!! :) God bless you all !! :) With God's grace, I can only hope to continue entertaining you all by making more & more songs, writing more & more satire, T.R dialogues & general stuff :) ..

To all those who wanna put me down - there's one thing you should know :) ..No amount of abuse or trashing from you guys can stop me from doing what I'm passionate about :) Keep trying, dream on !! :)

Rahul Gandhi to team up with Dhanush, to do an anthem for Lays

2012-02-08T21:32:00.000+05:30

Leading snack manufacturer PepsiCo India, has signed up none other than Congress party leader & youth icon Rahul Gandhi to endorse their new "Pasta Italiano" flavor of the nation's most popular potato chips brand, Lays. The deal comes in the wake of Gandhi's recent statements at a rally in Tarn Taran, where he displayed his exemplary, august knowledge of how potato chips packets cost 10 & potatoes cost 2 in Uttar Pradesh. Gandhi would be seen crooning as well as shaking a leg with Kolaveri sensation Dhanush in an "anthem", which tributes the legendary brand of potato chips.

Rahul Gandhi unveils the first look of Lays' latest flavor, Pasta Italiano ; Dhanush recording the Lays Anthem, which, according to him, would very well win a Grammy

The news was confirmed by PepsiCo chairman Manu Anand. "Wow! I thought politicians wouldn't have even heard of us, because, well, they don't give a damn to anyone anyway. But this dude, citing our product, along with the price, was like a whiff of fresh air. I then sat and discussed the idea with Indra Nooyi . We are planning to launch our new Lays flavor, Pasta Italiano, soon. A Lays packet is usually composed of 99% vacuum & 1% chips! Voila! The uncanny resemblance amazed me! This product plainly & simply mirrors Rahul Gandhi ! He too, is Italian and filled with 99% vacuum & 1% substance! So there was no second thought - he was our man!", said a spirited Anand.

How did Dhanush fit into the picture? "I thought of making one of these so-called 'anthems'. I needed some ridiculous lyrics, idiotic dance steps, pathetic singing & the most important thing - there had to be no connection whatsoever between the song & Lays! I just happened to see Dhanush's anthem for Sachin Tendulkar & it had every ingredient which I just listed, so it was the perfect choice", said Anand, before he was interrupted from nowhere, by Ravi Shastri, who said "Anand, you mean it was just what the doctor ordered !", before going away.

Dhanush is already supposed to have begun penning the lyrics. "Yo boys...I am sing song...Lays song...Lays-u Lays-u, on all days-u, if you don't taste-u, you are waste-u! How does it sound guys? God bless!", tweeted Dhanush. The video would feature Rahul Gandhi & Dhanush distributing & eating Lays chips along with Dalits in UP. An official announcement of the endorsement was made by External Affairs Minister S.M.Krishna, who addressed the media, saying - "Rahul Gandhi has agreed to endorse leading potato chips brand, Kurkure". Inspired by Rohan Gavaskar, Deshdrohi actor Kamaal R Khan has vowed to quit acting if he is not considered for the video.

The Congress heir-apparent, on his part, has been very thrilled. "During bomb blasts, I always used to say 99% of attacks can be stopped. From now on, I cay say 'No one can stop just one!'. How cool is that!", winked a smiling Gandhi. Meanwhile, Janata Party President Subramanian Swamy tweeted "Time to lay my hands on these Lays packets & see how much is going into Buddhu's pockets".

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Tainted BJP MLAs clarify that it was not porn, but "The Times of India"s Bangalore edition online!

2012-02-07T22:28:00.001+05:30

THIS POST HAS BEEN PUBLISHED BY FAKE NEWS WEBSITE "The UnReal Times" at
http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2012/02/08/karnataka-ministers-caught-surfing-porn-claim-they-were-browsing-tois-page-3/

A LOT OF PEOPLE SEEMED TO HAVE SHARED THIS POST , THINKING IT IS A TRUE NEWS ...SO HERE'S A NOTE - THIS NEWS IS FAKE :) , NOT TRUE!

IT IS INTENDED TO BE A FUNNY POST & TO BE TAKEN IN JEST, NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

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BJP MLAs Lakshman Savadi & CC Patil, who were allegedly caught watching pornographic material in the Karnataka Assembly, have finally come out in the open & broken their silence. They said that it was not porn they were watching, but instead, they were reading the magazine section of the Bangalore edition of The Times of India, "Bangalore Times", online.

The online edition of the Bangalore Times, which is what BJP MLA Lakshman Savadi claims to have been seeing, when the TV channel suddenly focused on it

"I had left home early today morning, so I didn't have the time to read the newspaper. That particular session in the assembly was more boring than any History lecture I've attended in school. So I decided to open Bangalore Times' online edition on my cellphone & as usual, there were some bikini-clad models almost fully occupying the front page. The TV channel couldn't have found a better time to zoom in & focus on my phone!", clarified Savadi.

Savadi continued - "I happened to show this to Mr.C.C.Patil, who happens to be the Minister for Women & Child Development. He was sitting next to me & I was explaining to him, how such things on newspapers negatively impact women & children of the state & set a bad example for them! How ironical that the media has totally misconstrued & misrepresented the story!"

The reactions have been sarcastic & stinging, to say the least, with "Saavadi macha" trending on Twitter in Chennai & Former Karnataka Chief Minister & JDs leader H.D.Kumaraswamy calling it as a "black mark". When briefed about this, Patil replied - "Oh, that? One of the bikini-clad models had a very seductive mole on her hip. That was what Kumaranna was referring to, lustfully, as a black mark."

The Congress party was quick to react, with spokesperson Manish Tewari playing the news footage & telling - "Dekhiye! Upar se neeche tak, kis tarah se woh log un ladkiyon ko dekh rahe hain!". Union HRD minister Kapil Sibal has said that the Congress party's knowledge of pornography was zero & that he would be very grateful to the Supreme Court, should they lift the veil of uncertainty & provide clarity on the same. The fate of the two ministers would be decided tomorrow when the issue would be debated in the Assembly. Things are likely to go strongly against their favor, as the other pages in the newspaper had only columns like "10 steps to a healthy sex life", "Not able to seduce him well ? Here's what you could do!", "Scarlett Johansson poses nude for Canadian Magazine", "Sonam Kapoor may join the bikini brigade" among others.

Meanwhile, editor-in-chief of newly-turned rival newspaper, The Hindu, Siddharth Varadarajan has already conceptualized another set of ads to be aired, "Read stuff that is shrewd, not lewd", "Study the unseen, not the obscene", "Learn about those fair & just, not those who bare & lust", to name a few.

Manappuram Finance reacts to RBI rap, says it was only accepting roses on "Rose Day"

2012-02-07T17:47:00.004+05:30

After receiving a rap from the Reserve Bank of India over malicious allegations of illegally accepting deposits, the Kerala-based Manappuram Finance has clarified the issue, claiming that they were accepting only roses from customers, who came to wish them a happy Rose Day.

Manappuram Finance's special advertisement to celebrate Rose Day

Managing director I Unnikrishnan clarified the company's statement, by presenting their latest advertisement on account of rose day. "It is nothing but clever telemarketing. We sent 'pesky' SMSes to all our customers, by saying 'Congrats! Dear Costumer, on this Rose day, you are lucky to have been pre-approved for a personal Manappuram Gold Loan! For more details, visit your nearest Mannapuram Finance office with a rose in your hand'. All they needed to do to avail it was give us a rose & their gold loan would be sanctioned. We even changed our tagline from 'Make life easy' to 'Make life Rosy' ! Moreover, when we announced that one of our brand ambassadors Vikram is likely to be coming to our head office, there were people who came in with bouquets just to mourn the disaster of Rajapattai. Besides, a lot of boys have no girlfriends. They are happy that at least someone is ready to accept their roses!", said Unnikrishnan.

Shedding more light on this advertising strategy which, unfortunately, has snowballed into controversy, Unnikrishnan continued - "See, there's nothing great about securing a loan. We are here to give gold loans only, & harass people & twist their arms later when they aren't able to return the money. But see, gold loans shouldn't be given away so easily, you know! There has to be a notion that getting a gold loan is very difficult, so that makes the word 'pre-approved' sound very fancy & great. So when we told our customers that they were pre-approved, they felt as if they had won something! Some of our customers would have surely given us roses out of joy, even if we hadn't asked for them & even if it wasn't Rose day, because they were so happy after being pre-approved". Karnataka's ambassador for Mannapuram Finance, Puneeth Rajkumar slammed rumor-mongers who misled the RBI & tried to resolve the row, by saying "misunderstanding beda!". Ambassadors Mohanlal & Venkatesh too, showed their support, with the latter saying "When 'Victory' Venktatesh is here, it is obviously going to be victory for Manappuram!".

Lastly, Mannapuram's ambassador from Bollywood, action hero Akshay Kumar has voiced his strong support for the company, posing what seems to be an open challenge to the Reserve Bank of India, by saying "Khoob jamega rang jab mil baithenge teen yaar. Aap, main aur Manappuram Finance!", thereby making it loud and clear that he has not spared the remake rights of even his own dialogue for Bagpiper Club Soda.

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

Siddhartha Mallya asks Yashwant Sinha to apologize to Ayesha Takia !

2012-02-07T14:03:00.000+05:30

In what can be termed as a perfect & instant solution to the ongoing Ayesha Takia - Siddhartha Mallya imbroglio on Twitter, the latter has decided to ask BJP Senior Leader Yashwant Sinha to "apologize" to the actress on his behalf.

"There's my man!", says Siddhartha Mallya, as he points to an apology-letter writing Yashwant Sinha; A bewildered Ayesha Takia looks on

The junior Mallya was highly impressed by Yashwant Sinha's passionately scathing & nasty "apology" to the UPA Government today & was seen jumping in joy, screaming - "Yes !! Yes !!! Woohoo !!! Take that, baby !! This man is my apology to you !!!". Inside sources from the Mallya household revealed that Siddhartha immediately sprinted to a grilled fence which surrounds a part of the house, & started shaking it vigorously, reminiscent of his antics in RCB victories during last year's IPL. The sources added that he also looked around frantically for ex-flame Deepika Padukone to plant a kiss on her lips, as was his drill until last year, but in vain. Father Vijay Mallya, also known as the king of good times, was supposed to have rushed to his aid by throwing him a can of Kingfisher beer & telling him - "Relax bud, have this!", which was followed by a string of abuses & swear words hurled at Deepika by the Mallyas, in drunken stupor.

Vijay Mallya is reportedly looking at seizing this opportunity with both hands, to strike a deal with the BJP. Should the party agree to bail Kingfisher out of economic crisis, Yashwant Sinha would be appointed as the airline's chairman of media relations. Also, LK Advani would be selected as the flight attendant in chief, so that at least then, while almost always being in the air, he would get a feeling that he is on top of all affairs. A close source claims to have spoken to Siddharth about this & the latter is said to have replied - "Look mate, we know our airline plainly & simply sucks. So far, our hot air hostesses & beer were the reason people overlooked our mistakes. But that no longer seems to be working. So we've gotta hypnotize people into thinking that we're actually sorry about it, when we actually don't gave a damn! After reading his article, I'm fully convinced that Sinha is the man we for the job! It can't get any better than this!". When Siddhartha told Sinha to write the letter in 2 hours, the latter was supposed to have retorted angrily, saying - "People give 2 months to Lalu Prasad Yadav to learn English & then write nonsense, but tell me there's no time? I will bloody well take my own sweet time to write it!".The prospective move by Kingfisher has incited sharp reactions from the government, with Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh, tweeting "Kingfisher Airlines to Sangh-fisher airlines? Wah Mallya ji !!".

Close aides of Sinha have revealed that he had already begun working on his apology to Ayesha Takia, a few lines of which read - "I have been asked by Mr.Siddhartha Mallya to apologize to you for the Kingfisher Airlines Fiasco. Let me, therefore, begin by apologizing comprehensively and from the very beginning: I apologize that drinking Complan, in fact, didn't help you & Shahid Kapoor grow up. I apologize for the massive failure of Taarzan - the wonder car, I'm sorry that I didn't suggest Force India's car for the movie, which could've probably saved it. I apologize for your highly forgettable performances in almost all your movies ..", before which Rajniti Prasad, standing up for Ayesha Takia & storming in, tore the letter & said - "yeh letter nahin chalega!". This was explained by Ayesha Takia's tweet - "Awww! Thank you soooo much Rajniti ji ! Chooo chweet of you! Loads of love <3 Hugs!". This tweet, however, seems to have had its repercussions, by instigating Siddhartha's rumored love interest Sonam Kapoor, to reply to Takia, with this picture of hers.

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It's "Naaku Mukka" for Robert Vadra !

2012-02-06T20:05:00.000+05:30

After acquiring the rights of "Why this Kolaveri di?" for their election campaigns, the UPA government has decided to be proactive in launching their prospective new candidate, Robert Vadra, by acquiring the rights of international award-winning Tamil folk song "Naaku Mukka". Vadra, who has announced that he would join politics if people want, would have to learn his steps to dance to the tunes of Naaku Mukka, with the chorus lyrics modified to "Vadra-da Naaku Mukka". He is supposed to be in closed-door talks with India's hotshot dancing sensation & choreographer Shiamak Davar with regard to the same. The man behind the song, music director Vijay Antony has been asked to modify the chorus portions at the earliest.

Robert Vadra prepares himself to emulate Nakul Jaidev's moves in "Vadra da Naaku Mukka"

Vadra, who would be contesting from an undisclosed constituency in Tamil Nadu, would be campaigned for, by none other than brother-in-law Rahul Gandhi. According to sources, Gandhi has already begun preparing his speeches, some lines of which read - "Tamil Nadu deserves a leader who can mingle with the common man & dance on the streets with him. Unless you have a leader who dances with you, he or she will not be able to understand you & your problems. Jayalalithaa is too overweight to dance, Karunanidhi cannot get up from his chair & Vijayakanth, well, his dancing is better not commented on, but still, he dances only with pretty bombshells. He does not dance with the people. Take it from me, Mr.Vadra will be dancing to your tune! Literally!".

Vadra is also supposed to be in talks with Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni, who also heads the Chennai Super Kings IPL franchise, seeking advice on how to win over the Tamil audience. "Well, of course you know, it is all about hitting the roads on a super-bike, stopping in the red light areas and saying '~~Vanakkam'~~ 'Wanna come?' ", Dhoni was supposed to have advised.

Flummoxed by this sudden, untoward development from the government, the BJP high command has decided to strike back by training senior leader Arun Jaitley in martial arts. Jaitley would rename himself Arun (pronounced "Our-own") Jet Li, after the Chinese actor, who is quite popular in Tamil Nadu, thanks to the Tamil dubbed versions of his movies constantly being played on popular Tamil channels like KTV and Vijay TV. BJP spokesperson Nirmala Sitharaman addressed the media, saying "Tamil Nadu deserves a leader who truly fights bad elements. Who better than a hero who actually physically wipes away these evil, corrupt elements by use of sheer power? Who better than a hero who gives them a taste of their own medicine? I'm sure you will find Mr.Jet Li's stunts and fights to be a visual delight!".

Janata Party president Subramanian Swamy, who appears to have taken some lessons from Tamil superstar T.Rajendar, has tweeted - "Dei Robert Vadra, un saamana edra, ille na vidra, aana ingerndhu vodra!" (Robert Vadra, take your stuff, or leave it, but run away from here! )

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Emraan Hashmi to change his birthday to Feb 5th

2012-02-05T18:06:00.000+05:30

Enamoured with the fact that today is International Kissing Day, Bollywood's serial kisser Emraan Hashmi has decided to change his birthday from March 24th to February 5th. The usual case being a day named after a special person, Emraan has decided to turn tables around by changing his birthday to a well-known day.

Serial Kisser Emraan Hashmi is about to kiss the mike, which was snatched back from him just in the nick of time

Sources say that he had to be interviewed from a distance, as proximity to the mike was tempting him to kiss the mike. Adding fuel to the fire was the fact that today is International Kissing Day & there was no one around for him to kiss. "So what if it is usually the other way round? I'm different! I'm someone who is not straight..err..I meant, when it comes to thinking!". Emraan also added that given the magnitude of popularity & publicity of the ongoing saga between the Government and General V.K.Singh regarding the birth date, a move like this from him would be sucked almost instantly by the media, thereby giving him all the mainstream attention & sensationalism that he is desperately in need of, in order to save his sagging career. "Also, next year, during the same day,'Happy birthday Emraan Hashmi' would trend on Twitter too, along with International Kissing Day", said the serial kisser with a wide smile.

So what was Emraan's advice to kissers, for today? "Don't kiss a kisser who doesn't kiss you", said Emraan, seemingly inspired by Priyanka Gandhi's statement in her recent UP campaign. This statement by Emraan has sparked off a war of words between the Government & the opposition, with BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad accusing the Congress party of deviating the nation's focus from the Gen. V.K. Singh case, by roping in Emraan to change his birthday & create a controversy. "If the Congress thinks only they can create a controversy & make headlines, let them wait until 2013, when we celebrate Ashmit Patel's birthday, January 13th, as International MMS day.", said Prasad. Chief Minister of Jammu & Kashmir, Omar Abdullah tweeted - "LOL! So after proclaiming Rahul Gandhi as the future PM, they want to commemorate the current PM by naming a day after him? Bravo BJP!". Film producer Ekta Kapoor, in light of this development, has decided to release her sequel to "Ragini MMS" on the same day.

How does Bollywood feel about today? For a start, item girl Rakhi Sawant is furious, as she feels that it is June 10th & not February 5th which should be called as International Kissing Day, as 6 years ago, on that very day, a kiss she shared with Pop singer Mika Singh, rocked the nation by making pervasive headlines. Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan said that he already celebrated the day a few days ago, when he kissed & made up with Shirish Kunder. Lastly, Deshdrohi actor Kamaal R Khan said that everyday was International Kissing Day for him, as he sends a kiss to actress Asin every morning.

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Govt to make a movie on Ambika Soni

2012-02-04T17:27:00.002+05:30

In a sudden, out-of-the-blue development, which may be deemed crucial, ahead of the "UPcoming" elections, the Government has decided to make a quickfire movie, centered on Information & Broadcasting Minister Ambika Soni. The movie, touted to be a political thriller, would also star none other than the Congress heir apparent Rahul Gandhi, along with South Indian glam doll & siren, Tamanna Bhatia. The movie, titled "Meri Soni, Meri Tamanna", would be a joint production, in association with Sony Pictures Ltd. Tamanna, who is playing a ~~social activist~~ character with grey shades, when contacted, expressed intense thrill over the film & is keenly looking forward to a "meaty" role which would give her enough scope to demonstrate her "acting" prowess.

A pleasantly surprised Ambika Soni, a delighted Rahul Gandhi & Tamanna in a grey shade, all set to star in UPA-Sony Pictures' "Meri Soni Meri Tamanna"

The UPA government has locked horns with Bollywood stars Akshay Kumar & Salman Khan on a tussle over the legal rights of the evergreen song with the same name. In order to be consistent with their corrupt image, the government also has roped in music plagiarist Pritam to steal a Bolivian tune for the new version of MSMT, the audio rights of which would stay with Sony Music.

So, why this sudden movie? The move is seen as an imperative one, as a large part of the nation claimed that they did not know, or to be more precise, did not recollect who Ambika Soni was, when she sprung up out of nowhere after the trial court's clean chit to Union Home Minister P. Chidambaram & addressed the media to slam Janata Party president Subramanian Swamy, saying - "Swamy lives off the media. He has always been an attention-seeker & will always be". Not one to sit silent & take things, Swamy, shot back, by tweeting - "Broadcasting minister never broadcasts herself. Home minister always sits at home. That's UPA for you!".

Following the statement by Mrs.Soni, a large part of the nation was surprised at seeing her & many of them were reported saying - "Damn! I've seen this female somewhere! It's been a long time since I saw her! I'm just not able to recollect who she is!". Search engine supremo Google Inc. has reported that Ambika Soni was the most searched person today. Tainted cellular network service provider Idea, has decided to leverage the situation, capitalize & grab as much mileage as possible by re-starting their ad campaign with Abhishek Bachchan, who too, is doing everything possible to resuscitate his perishing career. The ad, a part of which was shot down South, goes:

Abhishek: "kya aap Soni ji ko jaanthe hain?"

Random person: "Soni aa? nahin maloom saar!"

Abhishek: "Nahin ..Sonia nahin ...Soni..Ambika Soni"

Random person: "No idea, sir! We know only Ambika appalam!"

Abhishek: "Get idea!"

If inside sources are to be believed, this much-awaited flick also boasts of none other than the Prime Minister ~~Sonia Gandhi~~ Manmohan Singh, who would be playing a statue in the movie. Sources added that the PM was very happy with the role, as it is very close to his real-life persona. Efforts are on to trace & contact the disappeared music director Sandesh Shandilya, to recompose his chartbuster "You are my Sonia". If he is found, the government said that it wouldn't rule out the possibility of Sonia Gandhi's cameo too.

Determined to fight back, the BJP has already bought the remake rights of yesteryear Amitabh Bachchan starrer "Lal Baadshah". Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi, who has chosen to distance himself away from the movie, is apparently making a movie of his own, titled "Rab ne bana di Modi", which would be directed by none other than Lalit Modi. Efforts are on to trace & contact disappeared Kenyan cricketer Hitesh Modi, for a crucial role in the film. Sensing danger, the UPA government has already come up with another movie, tentatively titled "Modi breakers". The day ended with a tweet from Rajdeep Sardesai - "It's time to rename Bollywood as Poli-wood !! Gnight".

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Mani Shankar Aiyar bats for Pak batsman Mohd. Hafeez to be inlcluded in IPL 5 auction

2012-02-03T15:15:00.000+05:30

With inputs from the The UnReal Times and @waatho :

After creating a storm by taking on taking on Jamaat-ud-Dawah leader & alleged 26/11 mastermind Hafeez Saeed & calling for his arrest on a television channel in Pakstian, Congress MP Mani Shankar Aiyar has decided to make up for it, by strongly batting for Pakistan's opening batsman Mohammad Hafeez to be included in the upcoming auction of the fifth edition of the Indian Premier League.

Congress MP Mani Shankar Aiyar, posing in a backdrop which symbolizes India's welcoming attitude towards Pakistan, pushes for Mohammad Hafeez to be included in IPL 5

Aiyar, who spoke from Pakistan, said - "I have taken up the matter with the Congress president Shrimathi Sonia Gandhi & we are of the opinion that a dashing & swashbuckling batsman like Hafeez sahab would be an invaluable asset to any IPL team. We are a secular fundamentalist nation & it is imperative that the same principle be extended to the India Pakistan League...I beg your pardon...the Indian Premier League as well. People can no longer say that we do not accept Pakistan".

The Pakistani batsman, who gave Team India their share of initial jitters during their last encounter in the 2011 World Cup, is likely to be playing for the Royal Challengers Bangalore, opening the batting with whirlwind Jamaican Chris Gayle. "Just take a look, you have a Christian opening the batting with a Muslim, followed by a Virat Hindu in Kohli. That's secular fundamentalism for you!", Aiyar added. However, sources say that Bollywood starlet & owner of the Kings XI Punjab, Preity Zinta too, has been lobbying around in strong contention to buy Hafeez, as a replacement for their Australian batsman Shaun Marsh, who has opted out of the tournament after accepting a plum teaching offer from the Delhi Public School to teach students about the binary number system. Pakistan Captain Misbah-ul-Haq has made it clear that, if considered, he would join the team which picks Sreesanth, as he does not ever want to be caught by the latter. "Not even during practice!", Misbah adamantly emphasized.

Taking a cue from his colleague, Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh has also raised his voice in favor of including Pakistani spinning sensation Saeed Ajmal in the auction pool. "When Hafeez sahab can, why not Ajmalji?", said Singh. Union HRD Minister Kapil Sibal too, backed Singh's move. "It would be great to have a world-class spinner in our government too. I've become tired of doing that job always! Besides, once Rahul Gandhi becomes the Prime Minister, Shahid Afridi can take over the role of being the Youth Icon. Plus, he is also a spinner!", said Sibal with a wink. The BCCI has, however, refused to comment on the issue as they are currently busy with making a hostile bid for Cricket Australia to win the next world cup.

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Rajdeep Sardesai quits CNN-IBN, takes over as production manager of Old Monk

2012-02-03T10:19:00.005+05:30

In a move that sent shock-waves across the nation & in particular, the media world, founder & CEO of CNN-IBN, Rajdeep Sardesai, has resigned, in order to become the chief production manager of Mohan Meakin Brewery's world-famous Old Monk rum.

An elated, yet nostalgic Rajdeep Sardesai flashes his new I.D card to the press

The move comes in the wake of Rajdeep's tweet this morning, in which he complained about the perils of 24x7 journalism. A senior manager from Mohan Meakin Brewery came across the tweet & decided to offer Rajdeep the position, given the latter's love & craving for Old Monk. Rajdeep has apparently been thrilled with the offer & has reportedly given his nod to join immediately, as he can now watch & play while other workers sweat it out, to produce the world's 3rd best rum.

**UPDATED after Rajdeep used the F word on Twitter ***

It was a rare sight to see Rajdeep on the other side of the mike, saying - "Look, this paid media job doesn't allow me to get drunk & use the F word as & when I please. Jobless people like Justice Katju around noticing it & chiding me doesn't help me either. That's when I decided that I really have to quit. Now, nobody can accuse me of anything!". Rajdeep has also incurred the wrath of none other than Amitabh Bachchan, who was surprised to see the former using the F word. Bachchan is supposed to have advised Rajdeep that actions speak louder than words.

************

Rajdeep's resignation comes across as a devastating blow to CNN-IBN. With chief anchor Sagarika Ghose all set to coach the Netherlands cricket team, does it mean dark clouds ahead for the nation's top 24x7 news channel? Quiz Rajdeep about this & he says - "Oh not at all ! The throne of CNN-IBN is now going to go to none other than the hands of Arnab Goswami! All this while, they were anyway stealing our reports without giving us credit. Now, he can as well do it without any shame or worry! Besdies, Saragika will anyway continue facing the nation with her look-live interviews!".

Rival channel NDTV's joy knew no bounds, with Barkha Dutt sparking a war of words by tweeting "So Rum-deep Sar-dard has gone! Finally accepted that we're just too good, huh? ;)", to which Rajdeep promptly replied with seething rage - "At CNN-IBN, We report news sensibly unlike a Nut-Dog TeleVision journalist named after her incessant BARKing!"

Rajdeep called it a day, by tweeting "It's now time for the old monk to drown with the better Old Monk, folks! gnight". Cotton-sellers outside the CNN-IBN office have already begun to have a field day, as a majority of CNN-IBN employees have decided to purchase bales for their ears, with the grapevine having it that Arnab Goswami would take over very soon.

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Thanks to Faking News & the Unreal times as always for inspiring me to write this post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

Supreme Court clarifies number system; Kapil Sibal grateful

2012-02-02T15:51:00.000+05:30

This post is a partial contribution to this article by The UnReal Times:
http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2012/02/03/government-appoints-lalit-modi-to-conduct-2g-auctions-in-transparent-objective-manner/

The Union HRD Minister Kapil Sibal has "welcomed" the Supreme Court's statement directed to him that there are more numbers in the number system than Zero.

A delighted Kapil Sibal poses with the numbers-plate gifted to him by the Supreme Court, in order to clarify the number system.

On welcoming the statement, a smiling Sibal soon addressed the media, saying "I welcome the statement of the Supreme Court. I'm very grateful that the number system has been clarified. I had gone through a long period of uncertainty about the existence of non-zero numbers. The Supreme Court has lifted that veil of uncertainty. I have been asked to allocate the largely unused spectrum of my brain to learn about these non-zero numbers, which are new to me. For this to happen, I'm awaiting the recommendations of my madam in chief & my honorable, highly learned colleagues, who are still examining & trying to understand the SC's statement".

"The fact of the matter is, my Mathematics teacher in school later became a member of the BJP government. So if anybody is to blame, it is him. He is the person who constantly kept on calling me an 'Anda' in school & kept on giving me zeros in all my math exams. He even insulted me by saying my face looks like a Zero! So, my policy has always been consistent with what the BJP maths teacher has taught me. When he didn't speak about any other number to me, how can I not have a zero-filled brain? All these years, my brain has been craving & crying for investment in sense. Things were at a standstill. I'm thankful to the SC for clarifying things", Sibal said.

He also said that the Prime Minister & the then Finance Minister, who is involved in a lot of mathematics, were in no way responsible for his flawed number system theory. He demanded an apology from the BJP government, saying "It is time my BJP teacher comes forward and apologizes in public, for the loss of basic numerical knowledge which I and his other students have incurred. BJP should think about education first and politics later. We need to get a proper number system education legislation passed. We will reach out to the Opposition regarding this. Please ask the Supreme Court why my Maths teacher hasn't been questioned about the same!".

He finally thanked the Supreme Court for their verdict on the 2G scam, saying "I'm grateful to the Supreme Court for the 2G verdict, as it has helped me learn the existence of another number other than Zero".

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Aus tour has vindicated Dhoni, says BCCI !

2012-02-01T22:12:00.000+05:30

Published by The Unreal Times: http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2012/02/02/australian-tour-has-vindicated-dhoni-says-bcci1/

Highly inspired by the "vindication" of the Prime Minister by the Supreme Court as tweeted by the Prime Minister's Office (@PMOIndia), the BCCI (@bcciindia) too, has tweeted that the recent all-round failure of Team India down under, is, in fact, a vindication of Captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni. The BCCI has said that it is re-examining every match of the tournament in order to study it in detail.

"I have been vindicated!", exults an animated Dhoni

"We welcome the fact that both the Test Series & the T-20 match, despite giving Team India a sound thrashing, have completely vindicated the Indian Captain whilst appreciating the onerous duties of the team", read a statement issued by the BCCI. Addressing the media, BCCI President N.Srinivasan defended the statement. "Look, the Prime Minister's office has vindicated the PM, after being literally slapped with the Supreme Court's verdict. So, when the Australian team is butchering the Indian team down under, why can't I vindicate Dhoni?", said Srinivasan. Rumors are doing the rounds that BJP President Nitin Gadkari will soon be vindicating sacked UP minister Kushwaha. Inside sources say that DMK patriarch M.Karunanidhi too, has asked his party to announce a statewide vindication of former Telecom minister A.Raja.

The recent thrashing down under has rekindled hope among cricketing nations, that any team can now beat India without worrying about the Decision Review System. "Ladies & Gentlemen, today, yet again, it can be flashed hard at the world, that the game of cricket is the winner!", said Ravi Shastri before he was slapped by colleague Sunil Gavaskar, who reminded him to speak only what he was taught by the BCCI to speak about. A relieved, but bewildered Dhoni, addressed the media, saying "Well of course, you know it is a really happy feeling, being vindicated, even though I have no clue how. I would be really happy, you know, if someone could explain it to me! But I'm really hoping to strengthen our batting line-up by including Mohammad Azharuddin in the same way; you know, by stating that the life-ban imposed on him, has, in fact, vindicated him!". Tearaway express pacer Vinay Kumar was super-fast in renaming himself too, as "VINdicated Kumar".

Team India, who is currently being pounded down under, found unconditional support from choreographer-turned-director Farah Khan, who has slammed Australian captain Michael Clarke. "Pup once told me that physical abuse was the worst way to settle scores yaa. It means the attacker has either a personal or professional crisis going on. It saddens me to see him & his team doing the same to Team India! Poor things yaa! ", the mother of triplets was quoted saying. Dhoni found strong backing in his IPL hometown Chennai too, from the quarters of Tamil Superstar T.Rajendar. "The vindication of the man who leads the syndication is a good indication!", thundered the master of rhyme and rhythm.

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Mistaken Twitter trend helps Colgate, huge profit boost reported

2012-01-31T12:51:00.002+05:30

Topic "#ColGate", which trended yesterday on Twitter had nothing to do with the once-famous toothpaste, but has unintentionally helped the manufacturer in a huge way, by giving it much-needed publicity. Reports indicate that after months of plummeting sales, the trend yesterday finally ensured a huge profit margin for the company.

Yesterday's Twitter Trend #ColGate, intended to discuss Col. Athale's statements, has unintentionally helped toothpaste giant Colgate by leaps and bounds

The trend began when a retired Indian Army Colonel, Col. Dr.Anil Athale made statements about anticipating an attack from China sometime in June/July 2012. Ridiculing the statements, Twitterverse saw a huge initial flood of tweets pouring in from Twitter-users, with the hashtag "#ColGate", which made sure the topic trended, but later on, almost every tweet was about the forgotten toothpaste, rather than discussing the Colonel's statement. Some of the tweets from some popular figures were:

"@digvijaya_28: It is not China whom we have to fear, Colonel. it is the RSS. #ColGate",

"@ShirishKunder: Did the Colonel forget to brush his teeth? #ColGate",

"@iamsrk: No, you did! That's why I slapped you! @ShirishKunder #ColGate".

"@iPoonampandey: Tweethearts, I will soon be uploading a pic with #ColGate smeared all over me ;) Are you ready?"

"@dhanushkraja: Just shot for a Close Up toothpaste ad with a song 'Why this #ColGate di?' guys. God bless!"

"@chetan_bhagat: Pleased to announce my next work of literature, guys. It's called '4 Toothpastes'. It's about Close Up, Vicco, #ColGate, Pepsodent".

"@kamaalrkhan: Good morning, #ColGate & kiss to my sweetheart Asin"

"@sardesairajdeep: #ColGate trending on Twitter at this time is a good reminder for us to brush our teeth before sleeping! gnight "

"@sagarikaghose: Why is #ColGate trending? Have they come up with a new Orange flavor?"

"@BDUTT: So after me, @Pawar_Sharad & @iamSRK, it is now #ColGate. What if it is the country next? #ColGate ? "

Keen to cash in on their new-found explosive popularity, Colgate has quickly decided to shoot a new advertisement featuring ever-smiling cricketer Lakshmipathy Balaji. This is also seen as a move to bring Balaji back into consideration for the upcoming tours of the Indian Cricket Team.

Taking a cue from this mode of publicity, food manufacturer Swad industries has decided to rename itself Swar, so that any further crime at Pune's Swargate area would give them this sort of publicity. Rival company Pepsodent, too, has decided to dent a bottle of Pepsi and magnify the issue in order to create a similar "#PepsoDent" trend, so that it would give much-needed publicity for both the companies. When Pepsodent approached Pepsi with this proposal, the latter was supposed to have been thrilled and given a hearty nod, saying - "Yehi hai right choice, baby! Yeh Dil Maange More!".

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Mahatma Gandhi returns, haunts Congress party!

2012-01-30T19:16:00.000+05:30

Note:

This fictional story is written in jest. I do not intend to offend people's sentiments. Readers are advised to take the post lightly & not to heart. Please be informed that I am a Mahatma Gandhi admirer & I completely respect Gandhians' feelings.

The Union HRD Ministry had a surprise visitor today, who revealed himself to be the ghost of the Father of the nation, Mahatma Gandhi. Special polaroid CCTV cameras installed in the office provided a clear footage of the visit, the transcription of which is detailed below:

The ghost of Mahatma Gandhi, Kapil Sibal on call with Sonia Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi walks in with a stick, clad in a dhothi:

Sibal: Excuse me, who are you & what do you want? Guards, don't you pre-screen visitors?
I want zero intrusion!

Suresh Kalmadi: Hey wait, I know this guy! His photo is there in all police stations, there are so many statues of him all over! I'm just not getting his name! Damn my dementia!

Digvijay Singh: Must be an RSS agent! Let's shoo him away!

Renuka Chowdhary: Hey, he's bald ! I think he's the villain in Agneepath ! Why don't you teach him to grow some hair, Shashi?
( Huge laughter all over )

Gandhi (finally breaking his silence): Good morning, O brothers & sisters! My name is Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi.

Sibal: Sorry, we know only 3 Gandhis - Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi & Priyanka Gandhi.

Gandhi (points to a stationary figure): Whose statue is this?

Sibal: What do you mean? This is not a statue! He is our Prime Minister, Dr.Manmohan Singh!

Gandhi: Oh! I beg your pardon. Can't he talk?

Sibal: He can, but he is in our control, you see! ( winks )

Gandhi: Alright. Well, I was a freedom fighter back in the 1930s-1940s.

Sibal: Oh! Let me google you up. (Googles on his 35$ Akash tablet). Sorry sir, it shows only the 3 names I just mentioned.

Gandhi: That is because you have censored the internet, Mr.Sibal ! Try going through a proxy.

Sibal: Proxy? Over to you, Dr.Manmohan Singh!

Gandhi: No no, I meant a proxy server.

Sibal: Oh! I'm sorry! Very well. (uses a proxy). Oh! Gandhiji ? I'm so sorry! Is it really you?! Wow! You should've told me you were coming! I would've come in a helicopter to receive you personally, just like how we picked up Ramdev!

Gandhi: I'm good, thank you! Sorry for creeping into your busy schedules, but I assure you, I will not take much of your time. I just needed to talk to you about changing my story in the History text books for future generations. I have already filed a plea in the Delhi High Court regarding the same. I was surprised at the speed of execution, I guess the name "Gandhi" did help.

Sibal: Well, I apologize, Gandhiji. We have already decided on the content. The syllabus comprises chapters on Jawaharlal Nehru, Indira Gandhi, Rajiv Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi with all of us making guest appearances here & there. But yes, I think I can add a small chapter about you, if madam allows me. Please tell me.

Gandhi: That would be very kind of you. Thank you, Mr.Sibal. You see, no one remembers me these days. In spite of Sagarika Ghose broadcasting live interviews with my before-death form in a sepia tone, which, by the way, she calls orange, every other night, my purpose isn't being served. I have come to realize that what I had done during those years doesn't quite stick in the minds of people. So, I'm going against my principle of truth for the first time in my, well, posthumous life.

P. Chidambaram: Now you're talking! Welcome to the club, buddy! What's the money like?

Gandhi: No, Mr.Chidambaram, this isn't about any money. This is about people not remembering me. I have this piece of paper with me, which has a list of changes which I want in the History chapter about me.

1. Please rename me Mohandas Karamchand Bachchan, & my parents Abhishek Bachchan & Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. That way, I will always be talked about, right from 9 months before my birth, for eternity.

2. Please mention that I died due to a fatal slap from Nathuram Godse, because people remember slaps more than assassinations these days. Consider today, for example, people are talking more about Shah Rukh Khan's slap to Shirish Kunder than remembering my assassination!

3. Please include a video of me crooning "Why this kolaveri?". Let it be my official anthem for non-violence. There is no way people are going to forget me after that.

4. Please include a Katrina Kaif item number in the Oscar-winning movie about me, "Gandhi". I will haunt Sir Ben Kingsley and ask him to shake a leg with Kat. That way, more & more people will watch the movie.

5. Please describe my attire as a long-term wardrobe malfunction. That way, my dhothi would make a fashion statement, thanks to some newspapers. Another way in which people would easily remember me.

6. Please rename all my letters to the British officials as "Open letter to the British by M.K.Gandhi". That way, it would be shared by everyone on Facebook & would surely trend on Twitter. I will be remembered.

7. Please change my birthday from Oct 2nd to April 24th. You see, the thing is, everyone likes Oct 2nd mainly because it is a holiday. No one really remembers me that day. Whereas April 24th, despite not being a holiday, is celebrated with full passion by every Indian all over the world. I really think I deserve that kind of remembrance for all my services to this great nation.

8. Lastly, please mention that Rakhi Sawant had a crush on me & Poonam Pandey offered to strip for me. There cannot be any greater way of publicity for me than this.

9. Sorry, another thing - I hereby authorize Govind Tiwari to design my official website.

10. That is it about me. As an additional favor, I request that another nice person like me, by name Lal Bahadur Shastri, who has been completely forgotten, be mentioned as the father of Ravi Shastri. Please describe him as a cool customer, with loads of experience, whose margin of error was minimum.

Gandhi: Thank you for your valuable time, ladies & gentlemen.

Sibal: Hmmm. Hold on, Mr.Gandhi. Let me ask madam whether we can include these or not.

( calls Sonia Gandhi & explains the situation to her ). Where are you from, Mr.Gandhi?

Gandhi: Gujarat.

Sibal: Gujarat, madamji. Okay, I'll tell him. (turns to Gandhi ).

Sorry sir, our madam has said that it will be possible only during the next general elections in Gujarat. We will excavate the issue for discussion then.

Gandhi: I am not leaving this place without the chapter being published. I am going to sleep right here.

Sibal: I assure you, we will bring in a chapter about you soon, sir. Please reconsider your decision.

Prime Minister, what are you doing? Speak up!

Manmohan Singh: The Government is fully committed to ensuring the introduction of the changes requested by Mr.Gandhi. I appeal to Mr.Gandhi to change his decision immediately.

The matter is subjudice & I will not comment on it further.

( Gandhi refuses to budge. It is midnight. Suddenly, a group of Delhi Exorcism officers, on the order of Chidambaram, arrive and exorcise the defenseless ghost of Gandhi. Rajniti Prasad tears Gandhi's piece of paper. News channels air reports that the Delhi High Court has quashed Gandhi's plea, while the court has actually ordered the introduction of the changes in 2014. Anna Hazare sits on fast to protest the exorcism of Gandhi. The BJP strongly condemns Gandhi's exorcism, demands the immediate resignation of Chidambaram. ).

Maria Sharapova to coach Indian bowling unit?

2012-01-28T21:08:00.000+05:30

Lest you jump into conclusions, no, we aren't talking about bowling. If all goes well as planned, Russian Tennis siren & star player Maria Sharapova would soon be coaching India's weak bowling unit in the art of screeching. The 6-foot petite lass, who rewrote the rules of Tennis with her excruciating, high-decibel screeches has been asked to impart her screech secrets to India's bowlers. If sources are to be believed, the damsel is apparently extremely thrilled with the offer.

Maria Sharapova thrilled at the prospect of coaching the Indian bowling unit; Zaheer & Ishant drool at the thought

"Well, we are in talks with her. Nothing has been confirmed as yet. At present, the Indian bowling attack is pretty much at its weakest, so we thought that it would help their purpose by distracting the batsman if the bowlers screech loudly while delivering the ball", said BCCI President N.Srinivasan. "The players would soon be flying to Russia, if there is a green signal from Maria's side. There's nothing strange about it. Women do coach men these days. Just a few days ago, Sagarika Ghose was appointed to coach Team Holland. Behind every successful man, there is a woman & behind a quickly successful man, there's usually a hot one!", he added with a wink.

The bowlers, however, on the other hand, seem to have other ideas. Clearly, Ishant Sharma is looking forward to impress the hell out of Sharapova & ask her out, given their heights, as a lot of people have supposedly told him - "Beta, tu itna lamba hai. Tujhe ladki kaise milegi?". Sources also say that Sreesanth, who is eager to get back into the team as soon as possible, has already begun practicing screeches. However, he ran into trouble a few days back, as a few stray dogs in the vicinity supposedly began to chase him on hearing his grunts. The BCCI has suggested master blaster Sachin Tendulkar to take up the screeching lessons as well, stating that they would be effective in distracting the bowlers so that he could get his hundredth century in his next innings. Tendulkar, however, has reportedly written to Sharapova seeking exemption from screeching, as he felt that his voice was too soft for it. Sharapova is rumored to have replied "You will screech as I say or else I will give you another Tennis elbow! ;)". "Turbanator" Harbhajan Singh too, has dropped out of the training session, as the Russian government, for unknown reasons, has enforced a ban on girlfriend Geeta from entering the county. As an exception, Vinay Kumar has been asked to screech a few minutes after he delivers the ball, as only then would it have reached the batsman.

While there have been mixed responses to the BCCI's move, one person who was very happy was former Indian captain & commentator Ravi Shastri. He was heard telling his colleague Sunil Gavaskar "Finally Sunny, people will prefer listening to my commentary than to a screech-fest! Any day!", to which Gavaskar replied "Oh please! No way, Ravi! People would rather listen to plain & simple screeches than things like his mouth has given itself some room, he's opened the face of the tongue, wonderful use of the bleat & a lovely follow through! ".

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BJP to commit a gaffe too; decides to design poster in praise of Rahul Gandhi

2012-01-28T10:39:00.000+05:30

Seemingly befuddled by the recent poster of the Congress party which showered praise on Narendra Modi, the BJP, unsure of the move, has nevertheless, decided to catch up and be on the same page, by deciding to design a poster in praise of young Congress leader Rahul Gandhi.

A worried Arun Jaitley sits & thinks about what good things he could possibly write about Rahul Gandhi

"We are not sure of what the UPA government is trying to do by praising Modiji. Hume laga ki dal mein kuch kaala hai. But we are sure of one thing - if they think that only they can spring up such surprises, they are so wrong. The BJP has always been a master of surprise, right from inducting Kushwaha to our latest retaliation - a poster which would praise Rahul Gandhi. Even when it comes to gaffes, let the nation know who the better party is!", BJP president Nitin Gadkari told the media.

"Dal mein kuch kaala hai ??? Tch tch, Gadkariji. You just underwent surgery to lose all your extra baggage & all you can think of after that, is still dal ? LOL! Get over it, dude! Let me take you on a boat ride in Dal lake, if it would help!", J & K Chief Minister Omar Abdullah sent out 2 tweets in retaliation.

"It must have been a cakewalk for the UPA to detail out the achievements of Modiji. However, Gadkariji has entrusted me with the task of listing out some achievements of Rahul Gandhi! What do I list out, when there is nothing? Boo! I hate my job!", senior BJP leader Arun Jaitley was heard saying. "I guess I'll go with the usual sobriquets like Youth Icon & a potential future prime minister. Sigh! I can already see Advaniji's face turning green! I won't be a bit surprised if I hear that satirist Ashwin S Kumar has already begun writing an article titled 'Lal Krishna Advani decides to rename himself Hari Krishna Advani' !", he added.

Meanwhile, inside sources say that the UPA government is being proactive & has asked general secretary Digvijay Singh to sing praises on the RSS & Baba Ramdev. It is rumored that Singh has already begun taking lessons in crooning the AR Rahman-Blaaze chartbuster "Baba! That's what they say! B to the A to the B to the A !". Back in B-town, the ongoing drama is said to have inspired ace director Prakash Jha to direct a movie titled "Dal Dosti etc".

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Sagarika Ghose creates history, appointed as coach of the Netherlands cricket team!

2012-01-26T18:00:00.000+05:30

In a completely absurd & unbelievable turn of events, CNN-IBN news anchor Sagarika Ghose has been appointed as the new coach of the Netherlands cricket team. By this development, Ghose has created history by becoming the first ever woman to coach a men's national cricket team.

Sagarika Ghose, in an all-new outfit adorned with Orange flowers, will be coaching the Netherlands Cricket Team

Ghose's daring act of replacing "Saffron" on the Indian National Flag with "Orange" has impressed Prime Minister Mark Rutte far beyond doubt. "Who cares if she doesn't know cricket too well? Even our team doesn't ! But this is the kind of patriotism I'm looking for among cricketers of my country! There has to be an obsession with 'Orange'. Only then people will play with all their might & vigor". The news was confirmed by hotshot Netherlands cricketer Ryan Ten Doeschate, who also plays for IPL franchise Kolkata Knight Riders. "Well, she's an absolutely beautiful woman & we're looking forward to drinking a lot of gin. I'm pretty sure that blind faith in her alone would help us surge ahead and soon become the world's #1 cricketing nation."

A delighted Ghose tweeted "Wow! Eagerly looking forward to coach the Dutch team. Can't wait to spend time with Nisterlooy! ;)", following which she corrected herself & tweeted - "Sorry Tweeple! I stand corrected. I meant Tendo! Cheerio folks!". Rajdeep Sardesai's joy too, knew no bounds, as he was heard singing "Biwi no. 1 mere Biwi no. 1 !!" & followed it up with a tweet - "Aah, what time is it? Old Monk time! gnight!". Sources said that the Government of India was discussing conferring Ghose with a special Bharat Ratna or Padma Vibhushan due to her rare achievement, before holding themselves, facing severe opposition from senior lawyer & BJP MP Ram Jethmalani, who termed it as "bullshit".

All political parties have also unanimously rapped NASA for their portrayal of astronauts in outfits which supposedly hurt the sentiments of Ghose and her fans. Senior political leaders from all parties have already condemned the act and written to envoy Nirupama Rao regarding the same. Foreign Affairs Minister S.M.Krishna confirmed that he had already taken up the matter with US Secretary of state Hina Rabbani Khar.

With her new appointment, would Ghose still "Face the nation"? "Of course I will. Haven't you heard of look-live journalism? All my interviews which have happened all these years will be replayed with new people on the split screens everyday!", Ghose signs off.

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AR Rahman to regain lost glory by composing for the Indian Cricket Team

2012-01-25T12:48:00.000+05:30

After nationwide reports of public sentiment that music maestro & Academy Award winner AR Rahman has lost his Midas touch & is on the verge of steady decline, the maestro's fans have a reason to cheer, as he has decided to compose a song for the Indian Cricket Team. Given the Indian team's knack of restoring peak glory to those under fire, Rahman's fans are fully confident that the song would restore Rahman to his original glory, even though quite a few of them still swear by "Komaram Puli" & The Commonwealth Games Theme as his very best.

AR Rahman all set to tune what is already being touted as the greatest comeback of all times

When asked about the song, the usually shy & modest Rahman sounded very upbeat this time, saying "Yes, it's true. I'm going to compose a number for the Indian Cricket Team. It all happened after I saw Michael Clarke & Ricky Ponting - both are hugely talented, have achieved loads for their country, yet their performances saw a significant dip in recent years, just like mine. Look at them now, a few games with the Indian Cricket Team & they are ruling cricket all over again! I'm very confident that the same would happen to me once I compose a song for the team! God willing, I might deliver another Roja or a Bombay!".

The song would feature Rahman crooning along with the team, where Ishant Sharma would be farthest from Rahman, whereas Sachin Tendulkar would feature alongside him in the video for 99 sec. Lyricist Javed Akhtar has promised to take leave of his senses & write utter rubbish this time, intending to make the song beat "Why this Kolaveri di?", in terms of popularity. The video, expected to be directed by director Shankar, a long-time friend of Rahman, is touted to be the world's most expensive sports video. According to a source close to Shankar, the song would be shot in a newly constructed stadium in Chennai, filled with people from all cricketing states. Every stand of the stadium would be painted with colors representing each state, with the respective colors coming from their corresponding states. Also, the stadium would be floodlit, with brand new floodlight bulbs imported from Slovakia. Also, a lot of CG work is underway to make sure snakes, dragons, dinosaurs & other unheard-of reptiles appear in the video.

Often a man of few words, Rahman unusually continued - "Also, after doing it to Sachin Tendulkar, Rashid Latif suggested me too, that I go for psychological counseling to remove the supposedly existing 'musical block' off my mind. Also, Glenn McGrath had predicted a 4-0 whitewash this year, by Harris Jayaraj because of Nanban, Oru Kal Oru Kannadi, Maatran & Thuppaki. These pushed me beyond the limit & I realized that I cannot waste any more time. I had a choice between fighting back & giving up - I chose fighting back and I'm here", reminiscent of his Oscar speech.

In the meanwhile, Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh was at it again, accusing Baba Ramdev of misleading Rahman with false yogic ideas, thereby hampering the quality of his music.

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Rahul Gandhi to replace Dhoni as wicket-keeper captain of India

2012-01-24T10:49:00.000+05:30

Highly impressed with his loud, clear & confident calls of "Phenko..phenko" during his recent rally where a shoe was thrown at him, the BCCI, after holding a high-level meeting today, has decided to sack under-fire current captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni & make way for a new wicket-keeper captain in Rahul Gandhi.

Rahul Gandhi dons a new hat, Dhoni pleads for one last chance

"We think that it is time for Dhoni to go, given his dismal performance in recent times. Team India needs someone young, a youth icon who can lead from the front & more importantly, receive throws far better than Dhoni. Who better than Rahul Gandhi for a requirement like this?", said N.Srinivasan, BCCI President. Sources say that Rahul Gandhi would be replacing Dhoni as the skipper of IPL Team Chennai Super Kings too. Work is already silently on to change the soundtrack to "Enga thala Gandhi-kku periya whistle adinga". Gandhi has already begun to spend time with the players, share food with them & understand their problems.

When asked "Won't his age be an issue?", Srinivasan replied "Oh come on! There are 3 people on earth who will always be 18 till they die - Shahid Afridi, Rahul Gandhi & Rajinikanth! Plus, we have a birth certificate of Gandhi where his birthday is mentioned as Feb 29th, 1972. So technically, he will turn 10 this year. He is a child prodigy! With sister Priyanka likely to watch every match, the players are bound to give their best on the field. He is truly a game-changer in all fields!".

An official swearing-in of Rahul Gandhi as the Sri Lankan cricket captain would be presided by S.M.Krishna in a few days. A very thrilled Gandhi, when interviewed, said "It is a great honor for me.I assure all Indians that I would win 99% of matches for the team. There is a 1% chance of a loss though, but it's okay, if it is a test match loss, I have another Rahul to put the blame on!", with a wink. "Soon, there will be 2 Team Indias", he added. Following Rahul's appointment as captain, Amul is touted to take over Sahara India as the team jersey's official sponsors.

The move hasn't gone down too well with the Opposition, who have demanded the immediate replacement of injured tearway speedster Varun Aaron with their young politician Varun Gandhi. "Good luck to the Italian cricket team for the upcoming tour", tweeted Sushma Swaraj. The players weren't too happy either. Here are few reactions from Virat Kohli, Sreesanth, Harbhajan, Ishant & Praveen Kumar.

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Delhi High Court sends notices to Nike, Reebok, Adidas; nationwide ban on shoes likely

2012-01-23T23:13:00.000+05:30

In the wake of the recent incident of shoe-throwing at young Congress Party leader Rahul Gandhi, the Delhi High Court has sent notices to leading shoe-manufacturers Nike, Reebok, Adidas among others. More companies were thrown in to soup, as a livid Gandhi thundered "Phenko, aur ek phenko!". The notices said that the companies have to come up with immediate effect, a mechanism to prevent offensive usage & misuse of their shoes, failing which they would be liable for prosecution. This could mean that the companies would be banned from selling any footwear in India.

Leading shoe manufacturers in India face the threat of a potential ban

Justice Naresh Tait, who had previously slapped a ban on Star Cricket & ESPN on grounds of "offensive, objectionable content that could incite national frustration, outrage & depression", told the companies - "There is enough evidence to prove that the shoes can be & have been misused. Shoe-throwing can foster violence, religious clashes, incite riots & poses a severe threat to national integrity, peace & harmony. Devise a mechanism to ensure that the shoes can't be thrown on people, otherwise we will ban your shoes & manufacture our own shoes, like in China".

It was revealed that hours after the Rahul Gandhi incident, Union HRD minister Kapil Sibal scheduled a meeting with senior officials from Nike, Reebok & Adidas & explained that this kind of misuse of their shoes was "simply unacceptable" & "deeply offensive". He stressed on the urgent need for shoe control, failing which he would be forced to bring in a "zero shoes" law. BSP chief Mayawati was the first to react to the potential law & slam it, saying "People can't stand the fact that a Dalit woman can wear Nike shoes. Imagine such a ridiculous rule seeing the light of the day, my jets will have to fly empty! What nonsense!". The move also saw widespread protests from DMDK workers, who said - "If shoes are banned, we will not be able to see our thalaivar Vijayakanth saying 'soo' again! We demand that the ban be scrapped!".

In what can be seen as an attempt to counter Dr.Subramanian Swamy's statement about Indian Muslims having to accept Hindu ancestry, Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh has said that Indians could be exempted from the "zero shoes" law, if they accept their Italian autocracy. He also cited the example of how DMK leader Vasanth has been exempted from the rule, because of his front page advertisement.

Swamy, on the other hand, has already petitioned the Supreme Court that if shoes are to be banned for misuse, so should Electronic Voting Machines (EVMs). "Throw a shoe at Sonia Gandhi & what does she become? Shoe-nia Gandhi!", tweeted Dr.Swamy.

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After Rajni, It's "All about Manmohan": A new website

2012-01-20T12:39:00.001+05:30

After a special website for Superstar Rajinikanth, a new website is being set up, this time for none other than Prime Minister Manmohan Singh! Here is a small preview of the latest website.

( Please click on the image for a larger view )

A sneak preview of the new special website being designed for PM Manmohan Singh

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Thanks to the Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to make this cartoon. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

Ajmal Kasab granted bail by Delhi HC, on a surety of "bhel puri"

2012-01-19T14:16:00.000+05:30

After having been behind bars for more than 3 years, young terrorist and 26/11 attacks convict Ajmal Kasab, has finally been granted bail by the Delhi High Court. Justice Asaan Azad, who granted him bail a few hours ago, directed him to furnish before the trial court a bail bond of a "bhel puri" and a surety of the same item. "Bhel is the rule, money is the exception", was the judgement quoted by Justice Azad, who addressed Kasab: "Bhel puri? Bail poori !!".

The Bhel Puri which was given as surety to bail Kasab (right)

Justice Azad pronounced the order on Thursday afternoon, soon after CWG-accused Suresh Kalmadi was granted bail, & addressed the media, saying “It is common sense that Kasab is totally unlikely to flee from this place and will definitely be available for the trial. Come on! Kasab feels like a royal guest in our country. Think about it for a second - he is being treated like a king, he is being protected every second. There is no danger to him over here. He is living a dreamy, fairy-tale life. Boy, people here do seem to believe in Athithi Dheivo Bhava after all! Tell me, on what grounds can someone allege that he is likely to escape from such a place & risk his life? Is he mad?”.

"In fact, even when the court directed him not to leave the country without prior permission of the trial court, he said - Ha! Y'all takin' me for a fool? This place's home, baby! I ain't goin' nowhere!. He also said that he was working hard on his accent, as he has plans of cutting an album with R&B sensation Akon. Anyway, back to the case, there is no money to the petitioner, except from the government, may be! There is also no evidence that the petitioner is threatening witnesses or interfering with evidence during investigation or trial. Duh! Kasab has full confidence in the law of the land & believes he will definitely be set free sooner or later. This being the case, where he knows he can walk out free legally itself, why will he try to escape?”, added Justice Azad.

"Tonight on Face the Nation: Does bhel puri qualify as a sufficient bail surety? Or should it be Pav Bhaji? Cheerio folks!", tweeted CNN-IBN anchor Sagarika Ghose. Meanwhile, Congress General Secretary Digvijay Singh, who was having his lunch in a hotel, when he saw this news on their TV, exclaimed - "Oh my God! Kasabji is free?". "Sorry sir, no sabji is free", replied the waiter.

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Rahul Gandhi, UPA govt black out in protest against Lokpal Bill

2012-01-18T15:12:00.000+05:30

Taking a cue from Wikipedia & other leading websites of the world, the UPA government has decided to blacken themselves for 3 days in protest against the Lokpal Bill, on the instructions of their heir-apparent, Rahul Gandhi. "Imagine a world without free corruption!" was their motto.

Supposedly inspired by the likes of Wikipedia, Rahul Gandhi blacks himself, protesting against the Lokpal bill

It all started with Gandhi, who observed the blackouts by Wikipedia & other hotshot websites gaining worldwide popularity & felt that it would be a great way to protest the introduction of the Lokpal bill, should he do the same. Holding a high-level meeting with Senior Congress leaders Digvijay Singh & Kapil Sibal, he ordered the UPA members to blacken themselves in protest of the Lokpal Bill. Sibal said "I have always said that the Lokpal Bill would bring down corruption by zero. If Team Anna thinks they are smart, sorry, we are smarter!". Digvijay Singh supported his colleague, saying that the Lokpal Bill would not bring down corruption, only a "Ban-RSS" bill would. Manish Tewari too showed his support, urging his supporters - "upar se neeche tak, sab ko kaala ban na chaahiye".

The move has drawn massive appreciation from all the ruling party leaders, with all of them rushing to tan centers right-away. RJD chief Lalu Yadav has even demanded special reservations in these centers for the minorities. News channels CNN-IBN & NDTV too, showed their support, by blackening their logos. CNN-IBN anchor Sagarika Ghose blackened herself & called her program as "Black-face the nation!". Barkha Dutt, too, followed suit & renamed her show to "The Black starts here".

Sources said that Rahul Gandhi & Sibal needed the maximum level of tan, whereas Veerappa Moily hardly needed much. Meanwhile, the news, which reached Congress MP Shashi Tharoor rather late, left him in shock. Tharoor, who immediately rang up Rahul Gandhi, told him - "Dude, websites blacking out does not mean they become black in color; it means they become inaccessible to the public. So, if you want to do the same thing, please make yourself unavailable to everyone!". Gandhi, who was perplexed, said "Oh! Is it? But Shashi, don't I hide myself all the time? I can be seen only during election times & bomb blasts!". "Whatever!", said Tharoor before he hung up. A shocked Gandhi tuned in to the news, only to see the blunder he had committed - the movement caught up like wildfire, with an irate, drunken Congress supporter trying to blacken Baba Ramdev, after assuming him to be one of their own.

Tired & seeking a break, Gandhi turned to Sun TV. "Meheheheheheh !! Ummmmmmmmmeheheheheh !!! Black Sheep!", said Superstar Rajinikanth.

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Flight lands at Chennai instead of Adelaide, Team India back home; Pilot identified as Vijayakanth

2012-01-17T21:30:00.001+05:30

In an absolutely bizarre turn of events which has left the world in shock, the Indian Cricket Team found themselves waking up to a dark, celestial body-lit night sky at the Anna International Airport, Chennai, instead of Adelaide, where their Qantas Airlines Boeing carrier was supposed to land. The shocking matter first struck Ravichandran Ashwin who had woken up early, for his morning Sandhyavandhanam, but found darkness all around him. He then heard the Captain announcing "Ladiez and Gendleman, we have laynded ad Aasdralia yaerport! Bleez ged down yimmediately! Aangh!"

The Qantas carrier which landed in Chennai, Dhoni signs autographs, Pilot Captain Vijayakanth

Only then did it strike Ashwin that the pilot was no ordinary Captain, but Captain Vijayakanth, Tamil film superstar & DMDK President. "At one point, I thought I was having nightmares after watching Virudhagiri, but then I looked out & saw Jayalalitha's, Kalaignar's & Captain's paintings on a wall far away, & realized - Holy Cow!! We are indeed in Namma Chennai !! Vijayakanth had indeed flown the plane!". He immediately woke up the rest of the teammates, who too, found it hard to believe what had just happened. It was a slap on the face for Mahendra Singh Dhoni, who got to witness who the real Captain was. Sachin Tendulkar, who was woken up from deep sleep, supposedly said - "Main kaun hoon? Main kahaan hoon?" & "Aila! Plane?!" after looking out of the window, much to Rashid Latif's happiness. When the team made their way towards the baggage counter, they were greeted by Sreesanth, who did a break dance & followed it up with this gesture.

The situation has left both the BCCI & Cricket Australia in shock. Meanwhile, when Vijayakanth was interviewed, he said that he sensed danger for the team, from "Aasdralian kirget blayers" & "Baagisdhaan dheevravaadhis", so being the lone savior that he usually is, he set out to do the same this time too. When CNN-IBN anchor Sagarika Ghose tried to ask Vijayakanth what his family, especially his wife, felt about his act, he was supposed to have thundered - "Aye !! I will it you with my soo! Ged laaasd !!!!". Meanwhile, the Captain has also been slapped with a one-week ban on flying due to high take-off time, despite landing in Chennai without any stopover.

Former Indian captain & cricket commentator Ravi Shastri has slammed Vijayakanth, stating that he didn't fly in the right areas. "I saw the flight take the aerial route, it had gone the distance like a tracer-bullet. But then the flight got a lot of turn, the pilot seemed to mix it up nicely. That's when I got hunch & figured out that it wasn't what the doctor ordered". When asked about what the fate of the rest of the tournament would be, Vijayakanth said that he had flown the Chennai Rhinos team onward, the previous day & added that they must be practicing hard in Adelaide by now.

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John Abraham to remake "Yaarukku Yaaro Stepnee", Sam Anderson to play a cameo?

2012-01-16T10:27:00.001+05:30

The season of South Indian movie remakes just seems to have gotten longer, after Salman Khan & Akshay Kumar began the remake trend by ~~remaking~~ killing a slew of successful Tamil & Telugu films. After "Force", the ~~remake~~ murder of Tamil superhit "Kaaka Kaaka", it is once again the turn of John Abraham, who recently bought the remake rights of Tamil Cinema's internet sensation & viral blockbuster "Yaarukku Yaaro Stepnee?" starring Superstar Sam Anderson, Varnika & Jyothi. The movie has tentatively been titled "Kisko Pyaar Karen?"

John Abraham (right) will be seen in the Hindi version of "Yaarukku Yaaro Stepnee?" featuring superstar Sam Anderson (left)

The news was indeed, confirmed by John's press contact, who said - "John is tired of playing the usual macho-man, shirtless, bike-riding, action thriller roles, which make it blatantly obvious that he can't act for nuts. Hence, Kisko Pyaar Karen? (KPK) is one movie, which not only entails John to look intolerably ugly for a change, but also dance in a hilariously ridiculous manner. John is very confident about KPK, since it doesn't demand anything even remotely close to acting at all. That would make sure he is in his comfort zone. Also, for the first time, John would be playing David a.k.a Deyveett , an automobile engineer, who designs a "model car". Just for the sake of not disappointing his fans, his intro scene would have him riding a two-wheeler, that too, a Kinetic Honda. KPK will undoubtedly be a huge milestone in John's career".

Joe Stanley, the ace director of the original masterpiece, would be wielding the megaphone for this one too. John, who finally spilled the beans out on this one, said - "Yes, this is true. We will be making an official announcement soon. This is a legendary, one-of-its-kind film. It's an extraordinary masterpiece. We all know how it catapulted Sir Sam Anderson from an ordinary guy & placed him as an undisputed superstar on the world map. I have full faith in the abilities of Joe & I'm fully confident that the film would do the same to me, what it did to Sir Sam". John, who is working out hard in the gym, to lose all his oodles of weight & muscles, is very upbeat about this role. "Of course, Sir Sam gave an Oscar-winning performance in the original. I know the expectations are sky-high & there is immense pressure on me from my fans as well as Sir Sam's fans to deliver, but I am fully confident about living up to the occasion & making an absolute buffoon of myself". He has regularly been seeking advice from Sam Anderson about the role & its nuances. "More than dialogue delivery, it is Sir Sam's subtle expressions which elevate the movie to another level altogether. Interacting with him has been a great learning experience for me!", says John.

Quiz him about the 2 heroines in the movie & he says - "We have signed Rakhi Sawant to play the role of Dheeba, the horrid-looking, nothing-short-of-pathetic female lead played by Varnika in the original, as we felt that she fit the character to a T. It would be a welcome change for Rakhi, from an item-girl to a very devout, pious, Christian student. It would also give her a lot of scope to say what she always loves to say - "Oh Jejus!". As for the Canada (or "Kennedy" as she says)-returned at-least-bearable Manju, we are trying to rope in a looks-wise-tolerable female who, like me, necessarily just can't act - Nargis Fakhri. However, nothing is confirmed yet".

About the music, he says that all the songs in the original would be remade in Hindi. He also said that Akshay Kumar too, rushed in to buy the rights of the sensational hit number, 'Raasaathi', like he bought 'Appadi Podu' from Sonu Sood. However, John refused, saying - "He thinks that he can take advantage of me just because of what we shared in Dostana. I refused to budge from my stand". John is confident that "Raasaathi" would become a rage all over, especially in dance reality shows, where everyone would want to shake a leg to this one.

However, inside sources say that John is making KPK solely with the intention of getting back at ex-flame Bipasha Basu, to indirectly send a message that there will always be 2 girls who love him even if he acts like a joker. Sam Anderson is expected to release the audio of the movie in a few weeks in a grand launch. Fans are waiting with bated breath to catch a glimpse of their superstars Sam & John sharing center-stage & setting it on fire. If rumors are to be believed, Sam himself would be making a cameo appearance in the movie, much to the delight of his fans all over the world, who have already begun making plans for cracker-bursting, milk-abhishekam, aarti etc. One movie to look forward to, this!

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Thanks to Faking News & the Unreal times as always for inspiring me to write this post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

After Google & Facebook, Govt to now ban all telecasts of Ind-Aus test series

2012-01-14T11:06:00.001+05:30

This article has been published by The UnReal Times, after editing:

http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2012/01/15/after-google1-facebook-govt-to-now-ban-all-telecasts-of-ind-aus-test-series/

Following up on their prosecution of websites Google, Facebook and others over "objectionable" & "offensive" content, the Delhi High Court has now decided to ban all telecasts of the ongoing India v/s Australia test series on the same grounds. Notices have been sent to the Star television network & ESPN to stop their telecasts & live score reports/updates on Cricinfo with immediate effect, failing which they would be banned or controlled, "like in China", said the court, when it actually wanted to say "like news channels of India".

The Government of India has decided to ban live telecast of the ongoing Ind-Aus series

A special bench of the court pointed out that there is more than enough material & evidence to prove that the ongoing test series could incite national outrage, frustration & depression which can lead to widespread hatred, violence & vandalism. "See to it that you somehow show the Indian team performing well, or else we will stop your telecast & play Jackie Chan movies instead, like in China. You (Cricinfo) folks will have to give line-by-line commentary for the same", Justice Naresh Tait (supposedly a distant relative of Australian tearaway pacer Shaun Tait) was supposed to have told the television companies. Sources say that this was not the first time that such an order was being given to the Star Network; as a matter of fact, the court was planning to do it earlier too, to ban serials like "Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi" & "Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki" on the same grounds. However, the serials went off air, before they could proceed. "That's why we are acting very fast this time!", said Justice Tait. He was also quoted saying "This has to be done to protect national peace & harmony & the content shown currently on Star Cricket is a deep threat to these, apart from being an insult to Indians". The order also comes in the advent of Home Minister P.Chidambaram's recent statement, that we have to "emulate" China & not "envy" them.

Going a step further, the court has issued notices to Bollywood actors Aamir Khan & nephew Imran Khan, citing that there is enough objectionable & offensive material in their blockbuster movie "Delhi Belly" to offend India's "conservative" population which could lead to pervasive swearing & abusing, eventually disrupting national friendship & causing enmity. They have been asked to make appropriate changes at once, failing which their movie would be renamed to "Beijing Belly" & dubbed in Chinese.

"The documents and contents therein are in the nature to instigate enmity between different groups on the ground of religion, race, place of birth, residence, language and doing acts prejudicial to the maintenance of harmony...What about these lines, your honor?", reminded an associate judge. "Ssh! What are you doing?! Where did you get these lines? These lines are neither for the Google Facebook case, nor are they for the Star Cricket case, you idiot! They are for Dr.Subramanian Swamy's case files, for the case which he would soon be filing against the UPA government, for all this is what they actually seem to be doing!", quipped Justice Tait.

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Thanks to Faking News & the Unreal times as always for inspiring me to write this post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

Zaheer to injure himself, management to blame inexperienced bowling attack for Perth loss

2012-01-13T16:49:00.000+05:30

In an attempt to save themselves from the embarrassment of what seems to be the beginning of a humiliating defeat at Perth & consequently a 3-0 standing in the series, the team management has held a high-level, closed-door meeting with spearhead Zaheer Khan & has asked him to injure himself, so that the loss can be blamed on the inexperienced bowling attack & the absence of spinner Ravichandran Ashwin.

Zaheer Khan practices his injury revelation, ahead of the third day of play

When Zaheer was asked about it, he slyly confirmed - "Yes, the news is true. But please keep it a secret. I am going to fake an injury tomorrow, first thing in the morning, in my very first over. After that, in order to showcase himself as a captain who leads from the front & rises to the occasion, Mahi would be bowling instead of me. This way, even Rahul will be hailed as someone who stands up without the slightest of grumbles & keeps wickets whenever necessary. We were initially thinking of having a Sir Ravi Shastri Cliche Oration so that Rahul could deliver another speech to overshadow his dismal performance, but Mahi's cool head got this wonderful idea! Two birds with one stone! See, it is not for no reason that he is called Captain Cool!".

"You must've heard me call Brad Haddin as someone who has been appointed by Cricket Australia just to speak. Where do you think I got such an idea from? What do you think my role in the team is?", revealed Zaheer with a wink. Ask him about what would happen if the world finds out that it was all a set-up & he laughs it off, by saying - "I will tell that it was spontaneous. I will say that I did not like the way my body was paining, that is why I walked off the field, for my own good as well the team's", before his cellphone was heard ringing with the "Har ek friend zaroori hota hai" ringtone, the blinking screen showing "Rajniti Prasad calling".

When pacer Ishant Sharma was briefed about this devious scheme by Zaheer, he retorted, saying - "Duh! Tell me something I don't know! Why else do you think I showed the finger? And who else do you think I showed it to? Zaheer thinks he's smart. Let him wait for our plan. We are planning to send Duncan Fletcher to the Australian Team Management to get them drunk & then secretly erase the 'r' from 'Warner', in the Australian cricket squad. That way, we can challenge that Warner is playing without even being named in the squad & has to be expelled at once. Warne can be called back instead, Sachin can smash him all over the park & get his much-awaited hundredth hundred. Talks will then float that the team doesn't need Zaheer anymore. I will be the king!".

Efforts were made to contact Ravichandran Ashwin about the issue, but in vain. According to his agent, he was busy lending his voice to a "Mutual Funds are subject to market risks, please read the offer document carefully before investing" line in an Australian commercial, as the director wanted someone who could recite the line in one single take.

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Thanks to Faking News & the Unreal times as always for inspiring me to write this post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

Nanban v/s 3 idiots: all that you would probably want to know

2012-01-13T01:19:00.000+05:30

Okay..Let me dive in straight to the crux of the matter - 3 idiots is A CLASSIC ..can be watched ANY NUMBER of times & enjoyed as much each time :) ...Nanban is purely a one-time watch...

I dunno..blame it on the fact that I've seen 3 idiots way too many times...OR..the fact that it is not for no reason, Bollywood's highest-grossing movie ever...3 idiots wins any day :)..

To put it very succinctly, AS A MOVIE, 3 idiots is ANY DAY, FAR, FAR BETTER...DON'T EVEN BOTHER OR ATTEMPT TO COMPARE :D ...but when it comes to the experience of watching in the theater, Nanban has the edge :)..

3 idiots is AWESOME ..Nanban is GOOD..:) Even though you've seen 3 idiots like every other day...I would still say...go watch Nanban ONCE in a SHADY, CREEPY theater ..(this is very important..mark my words..You will be terribly disappointed in a multiplex )..watch it in the most LOCAL theater ever...with hordes of Ilaya Thalapathi fans...& you will thank your stars you chose to watch the movie! :)

Ok...first of all....people who know me well / read my blog regularly, know that I am a staunch Ilaya Thalavali hater :D...When I heard that it was Vijay who was doing the remake...just like many shocked people all over the world...I could only say "Holy Ravioli !!!!!!!" & "facepalm!"...& when I heard SJ Suryah was gonna be a part of it too, my cousin Arun didn't know what to feel worse for: Vijay or Suryah! :D

MARK MY WORDS - I would've watched this movie IN THEATER ONLY under 2 circumstances:

1. If Shankar or Gautham Menon was directing the movie (forget the music director..even if they had done it with Srikanth Deva, I would've watched it!! )

2. If Harris Jayaraj was the music director (I wouldn't have cared even if Joe Stanley or Perarasu directed it :D ..I would've watched it solely for the songs & BGM ...I'm a Harris addict:) )

So director Shankar and Harris Jayaraj gave me 2 solid reasons to watch the movie First day :) :) ...& of course, the ever-dependable..the ever-awesome..the-ever dear Vijay theater, gave me the 3rd reason :) ...

A little about Vijay theater:

Ever since I moved to the Vijayanagar part of town, Vijay theater has been A REAL SAVIOR :)...It is quite unknown to many people...This is probably the ONLY theater in Bangalore, which is situated away from A ROAD :D ..It is located in front of what seems to be a drain covered with concrete slabs..like a staircase...so riding a bike on that road-like thing everyday..would be the easiest way of breaking your back :D ...& driving a car on that road...would be the cheapest way of experiencing Dubai's desert safari :D ..But it is not advisable to go by car...because there is no parking space for cars in the theater :D ...There's space ONLY for 2-wheelers & autos..:P ...So yeah..on one side of this road-like thing is the theater...on the opposite side is a small tributary of the drain...beside that is a slum...On the other side of the tributary is waste land..where you can have a glimpse of a lot of pigs & piglets or sheep...gorging themselves with all the garbage & filth..:)

So the crowd is generally: Me, if Sundar accompanies me, then him :P, the creepiest, shadiest drunkards & loafers you can find ( ok you can include me & Sundar also in this category itself! :P :D )...about 2-3 women (2 grandmas..may be 1 rural woman)..that's it!! Ticket rates are AWESOMELY cheap :) :) ...& so are the interval eats..:) ...Previously, I would watch every movie in Nataraj...But WITH AGE COMES LAZINESS :D ...& hence, Vijay theater it is! :D

Ok...that's it about the theater...let's get to reviewing!! :)

Story & direction:

3 idiots = Nanban

The story is A SCENE-TO-SCENE, FRAME-TO-FRAME, WAVEFORM-TO-WAVEFORM copy of 3 idiots :)...There have been ABSOLUTELY NO CHANGES whatsoever...to the story...At some places, even the camera angles & costumes are the same :) ...Wise decision, Shankar...He did the right thing! First of all, with an unpredictable Ilaya Thalapathi at the helm of affairs ( By unpredictable, I mean, doing a non-action, feel-good movie isn't Vijay's cup of tea) ..Shankar would've got the biggest raps & drawn the most flak...had he tried something different & had it bombed...So it was probably better, after all ..to play safe!

So yes..take away the songs from the movie...& it SIMPLY DOES NOT feel like a Shankar movie AT ALL ! :)

Hero:

3 idiots >>>> Nanban :D

Ok ..don't tell me I'm being biased because I don't like Vijay ...But come on, you SIMPLY CANNOT compare Aamir Khan's performance with Vijay's :D ...Aamir was SUPERB in this movie...he redefined what was called a NATURAL PERFORMANCE :)...He just played his part SO EFFORTLESSLY :) ...He really LIVED his character of a cool dude..

Coming to Vijay ...though I would usually love to say Vijay sucks :P ...I must admit, he has done a very good job in this movie :) ...It is REALLY REFRESHING to see Vijay FINALLY, BREAK-FREE from mindless masala ...& do a feel-good movie without even a SINGLE fight-scene...He is very good in the emotional scenes...& more then Vijay, I definitely HAVE to admire Vijay's fans :) ...I mean, it just leaves you amazed..as to how even a single word uttered by him elicits & evokes SO MANY WHISTLES & HOWLS ...DEAFENING ONES !! :) ...So, Vijay fans in local theaters really make the movie a very good one-time watch! :) ....But he seems to have underplayed himself a lot ..& obviously, doesn't quite exude the same charm as Aamir...:) ....

Heroine:

3 idiots >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Nanban

Illeana cannot act for nuts...Kareena is currently THE BEST actress in Bollywood, IMO...Not only does she look like a million bucks ( Zoobi Doobi .. my my!! !! :D :D) but has also delivered a performance NOTHING SHORT OF FABULOUS! ( esp. in the scene where she tells the story of her brother's death to her dad! )

But Illeana makes up for her lack of acting ...in "Ask Laska" & especially, in "Irukkana" !! BOY OH BOY OH BOY!! :D :D ( < drools excessively, tongue sticking out till the floor, dehydrates > :D )...Shankar, I forgive you solely because of "Irukkana"...

Mona Singh / Anuya

3 idiots > Nanban

Anuya is good ..but Mona Singh is SLIGHTLY better :)

Raju / Senthil:

3 idiots = Nanban :)

Sharman & Jiva have both acted their parts wonderfully well ...Sharman scores in the sentimental scenes...Jiva scores in the comedy scenes :)

Farhan / Venkat:

3 idiots >> Nanban

Srikanth's performance hardly has any impact ...Madhavan is again, A REAL NATURAL :) ...Srikanth leaves a little impact only in the scene where he tries to convince his father ..about his photography ambitions ...Other than that, his character doesn't really linger in your mind ...Madhavan as Farhan ..will always be fresh :) without any expiry date! :)

Virus:

3 idiots >>>>>>>> Nanban

Sathyaraj as a cranky professor is a good choice ...he is known to be a good actor...but he has underplayed his role!! Prakash Raj would've been a better option! Boman Irani's performance in 3 Idiots is really chanceless & impeccable (it was my favorite in the movie! ) ... Just his mere looks & eyes ooze strictness & discipline ...& his lisp dialogue delivery is pure brilliance!!!! One would really think Boman has a lisp in real life too!!! It is a character you would be scared of ...but not get irritated with ...:)

Sathyaraj hardly exudes any strictness ...His lisp dialogue delivery looks very made-up ...You get irritated with the character very soon ...He is neither scary, nor admirable...really disappoints!!

You would except a solid performance from a veteran, but somehow ..Sathyaraj & Shankar have got this one wrong...

Chatur / Srivatsan

3 idiots >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Nanban

Omi Vaidya's comic timing just cannot be matched :) ...Srivatsan just doesn't manage to evoke the same amount of laughter...

Music:

Ok ..I'm gonna go song by song for this one...

Behti Hawa Sa Tha Woh = En friend aa pola yaaru machan?

Ok ..In case of 3 idiots..more than a superstar ..it was a fabulous actor playing the role...So there was no need of any punch-packed intro song ...So Behti Hawa Sa Tha Woh is a wonderfully soft number, which talks about missing a dear friend ...& retains the mood throughout a song ...A very commendable job by Moitra..

But in Nanban..you really have a superstar at the center..more than an actor...so the intro song had to be punch-packed ( pallavi )...& at the same time, retain the sentiment of missing a dear friend (charanam) ...So Harris Jayaraj has done an AWESOME job with this one :) full marks ...Every appearance of the line "en friend ah pola yaaru machan?" evokes deafening whistles & howls all over! :)

All is well > Heartiley Battery

Ok ..For this one..I'm gonna give a SLIGHT edge to the Hindi version ..because the lyrics, although colloquial ..do make some sense :) ..In Heartiley Battery, some of the lines are too immature and don't make much sense! Beat-wise, both songs are awesome..Chorus-wise...both songs are too good :) ...Heartiley battery has good dance moves by Vijay..All is Well maintains the mood throughout ..I felt Heartiley battery loses some steam in the charanams...Nevertheless, an awesome song by Harris :) ..an awesomer one by Moitra :)

"Give Me Some Sunshine" > Endhan Kan Munney

Okay ..TUNE-WISE..PICTURIZATION-WISE...BOTH ARE AWESOME !!! Brilliant tunes by Moitra & Harris ....I give "Give me some sunshine" the SLIGHTEST of edges :) ..just because of the lyrics in the chorus :) - Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance, I wanna grow up once again :) ...SUPERB! :)

"Zoobi Doobi" = Ask Laska

Okay ...Tune-wise ...Zoobi Doobi has got a very simple tune...and an extremely simplistic feel to it ...It's not too complicated ...Whereas, Ask Laska has got a super-awesome tune...It is, by far, one of Harris Jayaraj's BEST compositions till date...So tune-wise, I give it to Ask Laska...

Sonu & Shreya have done a brilliant job ...So have Vijay Prakash & Chinmayi :)

Zoobi Doobi scores over Ask Laska slightly in the video :P ...Sorry Shankar, I would rather shamelessly drool over a SUPERHOT Kareena dancing in rain :P ..than Vijay & Illeana in grandiloquent sets & colored trains...Ok, that sounds very lame :P ...Jokes apart, The video of Zoobi Doobi, though very simple..was out-of-the-world refreshing for its time :) ...But video-wise, Ask Laska ...is typical Shankar fare...the flowers remind you of "Kumari" from Anniyan...& the colored train gives a "Randakka" feel...the prince-princess stuff reminds you of "Vaaji Vaaji"...Illeana is HOT :P ...but Kareena is SUPERHOT :D

"Jaane Nahin Denge Tujhe" < Nalla Nanban

Ok ..Jaane Nahin has got a wonderful tune & it is one of the best-ever songs sung by Sonu Nigam...No other singer could've bought in the magic he did ...in this one ...Brilliant stuff by Moitra & Sonu ..

However, Nalla Nanban is, WITHOUT A DOUBT, Harris Jayaraj's BEST composition in recent times...EXTRAORDINARY !! :) So I will give it an edge over Jaane Nahin...:)

"Irukkaana"

I don't like the song...This song is MAINLY to focus on Illeana's enviable figure, titillate males ...& it has DONE EXACTLY THAT !! :D...She is at her hottest ever in this one :D...Like I said earlier, this song makes up for Illeana's no-acting show all along...:)

As an album, Nanban has a variety of singers..whereas 3 idiots seems to rely HEAVILY on Sonu Nigam..I would say both are equal ..& more importantly, living up to an album like 3 idiots isn't easy..I am sure I, at least, would never be able to live up to it if I were to compose..I will wilt..
Harris Jayaraj has done it! :) Kudos to him!

Background score

3 idiots <<<< Nanban

To the best of my memory, 3 idiots mostly had the instrumental versions or humming of the songs themselves...Nanban, in addition to different versions of the songs, did have 2-3 memorable pieces - especially the ones in the hospitals, the emotional scenes & then the trio's attack on Virus' house & the subsequent escape. BGM isn't Harris' best at all, but apt for the movie! :)

So that's it folks ...

1. Watch Nanban once, in a real local theater with Vijay fans at their peak of whistling & howling...and you won't be disappointed ! :)

2. Those who haven't watched 3 idiots will love this movie & watch it at least 3 times in theater I guess.

3 Those who see this movie in a multiplex..in a hospital-like silence ..are sure to fall asleep!

Cheers,

Ashwin