Dominos offers free pizzas to Manmohan Singh for a lifetime!

A SATIRIC ARTICLE BASED ON A SATIRIC TWEET :D

Highly appeased by today's statement of Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh about Italians being our friends, philosophers and guides, India's leading pizza joint Dominos Pizza has decided to express their gratitude by offering free pizzas to the Prime Minister for a lifetime.

Dominos India's special offer to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, as a thankful gesture to the former's statement

Confirming the news to the mainstream media, CEO of Dominos Pizza India, Ajay Kaul, said - "Yes, it is true. When none other than the Prime Minister himself endorses and advocates Italians and Italian philosophy as the guide to living, as a corollary, he also means that Italian cuisine is the way to go when it comes to filling your stomach. We, being the pioneers of pizzas and of late, pastas too, in India, felt that we owed him an immense debt of gratitude, after his statement".

"So we decided to offer Dr.Singh free pizzas for a lifetime. The PM can now order a pizza anytime he wants, and it shall be delivered hot and delicious to him, free of cost. Also, if he uses the coupon code "PMFREE12", on our online delivery portal, he will be entitled to receive a free pasta along with the pizza order of his choice", further elaborated Kaul, on the terms and conditions of the offer.The Prime Minister's Office too, confirmed their appreciation of this gesture, by tweeting - "The gesture from Dominos India has vindicated the PM, whilst accepting his onerous duties".  

Sources say that as per the wishes of the Prime Minister Sonia Gandhi Manmohan Singh, a special Dominos outlet would be opened at 10, Janpath, to minimize delivery time. The store, which is touted to be named as the "Rajiv Gandhi Dominos Pizza outlet", is scheduled to witness a grand launch and inauguration with India's most available valuable anchor Rohan Gavaskar and expert commentator Ravi Shastri, who has already expressed his concerns about the non-availability of Indian curry in the outlet. Officials from the Department of Human Resources and Development add that Union HRD Minister Kapil Sibal has directed the Reserve Bank of India to print a special "Zero" rupee note, for the Prime Minister to pay, during the inaugural ceremony. Bollywood scribes haven't ruled out the possibility of actor Saif Ali Khan and fiancee Kareena Kapoor making an appearance at the outlet, in order to promote their upcoming movie "Agent Vinod". A lot of prayer halls across the country have reported mass attendance, to pray for the event of Saif punching Rahul Gandhi on the nose, to occur.

Unconfirmed reports also say that the outlet will be managed by former Karnataka Chief Minister B.S.Yeddyurappa, who, according to rumor mills, has been promised to be made as the Chief Minister of Delhi, by Congress president Sonia Gandhi herself, should he perform this duty for a few months. However, the future of the much-awaited, much-hyped pizza outlet remains bleak, as the TMC hasn't been too happy, with West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee demanding a demolition of the outlet, if the pizza rates for allies aren't reduced from 2 Paise per slice to an absolute zero.

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this satiric post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

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Ravi Shastri kidnapped, released after Sachin Tendulkar's 100th century

This post has been published by The UnReal Times at:http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2012/03/16/ravi-shastri-kidnapped-released-after-sachin-tendulkars-100th-century/

On a day when the Financial Budget and Sachin's 100th 100 hogged all the limelight, an incident which went completely unnoticed was the kidnapping of former Indian cricketer and commentator Ravi Shastri. Sources say that a group of die-hard Sachin fans kept a close watch lurking outside Shastri's residence, which had been bugged. 

A picture of Ravi Shastri which shows his mouth plastered until Sachin's century was complete. [ Photo courtesy:  His kidnappers]

It has been said that the moment Sachin crossed 80, Shastri began to say "Justtttt get the feeling, wifey", before the fans stormed into the house breaking the windows, pounced on Ravi and immediately plastered his mouth, before he could complete the sentence. The fans, who were armed with knives, carried Shastri into their car and drove away. When they stopped at a TV showroom, they saw the master on 99*. 

After waiting for a few more minutes, the feat was finally accomplished, with the head of the kidnappers saying - "Yay! It is this master plaster which saved our master blaster!", thereby removing it off Shastri's mouth. Shastri was freed, following which he was given a bottle of water, as requested. To their surprise, Shastri didn't open it to drink water, but instead, held it in his hand to announce - "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've had a historic day of cricket today. Over 100 centuries have been scored by a champion and it can only be said that the game of cricket is the ", before he was cut short by the same fans who beat him up black and blue with hockey sticks and iron rods. 

One of the kidnappers was heard saying - "It was all okay in the beginning yaar. Ravi was just telling his wife things like the atmosphere is electric, the weather is just what the doctor ordered, that went to the boundary like a tracer-bullet etc etc. But as expected, when Sachin paa ji crossed 80, he began to say the dangerous, disastrous, doom-spelling line - Just get the feeling. He has always succeeded in getting paa ji out by mentioning that line, yaar. However, this time, we were careful and didn't let it happen. But after this historic century, we thought at least today he would declare paa ji as the winner yaar! But no, even today, he went on to say that the game of cricket is the winner! That's so unfair, na? That's why we had to beat him up again!". 

However, when the fans saw the footage of the century again with Sunil Gavaskar's commentary, they were supposed to have prostrated before Shastri, profusely apologized to him and promised him to mete out far worse treatment for Sunny on his return.

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this satiric post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

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Eminem arrives at New Delhi, cuts a rap number with Meira Kumar !

THIS NEWS IS FAKE :) , NOT TRUE!


IT IS INTENDED TO BE A FUNNY POST & TO BE TAKEN IN JEST, NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. 

Yes, pinch yourself. You read that right! The rap scene in India just got much bigger & much more legendary, with Grammy-winning ace rapper & worldwide sensation Eminem teaming up with none other than Lok Sabha speaker Meira Kumar to do a sequel to the former's record-shattering chart-buster and cult classic, "Will The Real Slim Shady please stand up?".

Grammy-winning rapper Eminem enthralls fans at the Indira Gandhi International Airport, New Delhi; Speaker Meira Kumar practices her "Beith jaayiye please" lines in Parliament.

The sequel, would be a mix of English and Hindi, with the title "Will The Real Slim Shady....Beith jaayiye please?!". Eminem, who arrived at New Delhi in the wee hours of the morning, checked in to the Ashok Hotel and woke up a few minutes ago, due to jet-lag, addressed the mainstream media - "Oh yeah, am waitin' for rockin' Meira...she said she'd have a practice session of her lines at da' parliament today when da dude Pranab da's goin' on wid his budget sh*t & den she ain't gonna be wastin' no f*ckin time, she gonna come to ma studio and kick some rap a** !!" (sic)

When asked how he zeroed in on Meira for the song, the rapper replied - "I wanted to do a sequel to da Real Slim Shady. It had to go - will da' Real Slim Shady please sit down? I was talkin' bout' it with ma buddy Akon. He said he was in India a while ago for a song and happened to see a lady on TV kickin' some parliament a** & whoopin' da shi* outta everybody to sit down. He said he ain't seen a big momma dan her sayin' it better! So I decided to have those lines in Hindi & from what I've seen in Parliament, Meira's rockin! She's killin' it, baby!" (sic)

Meanwhile, a fully-prepared and charged-up Meira, who was seen with Eminem outside his rented studio, reportedly sang a few lines of her chorus along with the rapper, to scribes and journalists - "'Cause I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady, All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating So won't the real Slim Shady beith jaaiye please, beith jaayiye please, beith jaayiye please?" (sic), to thundering howls and whistles from onlookers as well.

However, the Shiv Sena is readying itself for a full-fledged protest against Eminem, saying that Rap is an immoral form of music which is against Indian culture & traditions. A local daily also carried the following advertisement from the Sena:

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this satiric post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

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IIT Guwahati invites Mamata Banerjee for a guest lecture on "Database Rollback and Recovery""

This post has been published by The UnReal Times at - http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2012/03/15/iit-guwahati-invites-mamata-banerjee-for-a-guest-lecture-on-database-rollback-and-recovery/


THIS NEWS IS FAKE :) , NOT TRUE!


IT IS INTENDED TO BE A FUNNY POST & TO BE TAKEN IN JEST, NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

In a first-of-its-kind development in the country, one of the top-ranked engineering destinations, the Indian Institute of Technology, Guwahati, has invited West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee for a guest lecture in the subject of Database Management Systems. Didi, as she is fondly called, will be handling the chapter on "Rollback and Recovery". It is said that the Chief Minister, on her part, gladly agreed to shed more light on her recent achievement - what can undoubtedly be considered as the epitome of the "rollback" concept.

West Bengal Chief Minister and TMC chief Mamata Banerjee answers a question on Database Rollback in a dry run / practice session ahead of her upcoming guest lecture at IITG.

"The institute has left no stone unturned in trying to capitalize and grab the opportunity. It is one of our greatest privileges and honors to have someone of Didi's stature trying to elucidate a vital concept of Database Management Systems - Rollback and recovery. The past couple of days have proved that Didi has indeed exemplified this concept like none other. Kudos to the student council who managed to convince Didi for this great laurel to be heaped on our institute", Prof. Gautam Barua, Director of IITG addressed the mainstream media. "We are expecting 100% attendance from the our university as well as top-ranked students from other IITs across the country, so the auditorium is being readied for it. If the capacity isn't sufficient, as a backup, we are also setting up presentation facilities at the indoor sports stadium", a representative of the student council elaborated. 

Didi was to arrive at Guwahati by the Guwahati Garib Rath Express, which she was scheduled to board at Howrah Junction. However, due to a new rule which banned women passengers from boarding trains after 8 pm, in order to prevent rape and other atrocities against women on trains, she had to postpone her trip and board the morning train. Former quiz-master and TMC member Derek O Brien tweeted - "Anyone else in her place would have surely bent the rules, wouldn't they have?".

However, while boarding the train, when a passenger from another train arriving at Howrah spotted her, jumped out and rushed to complain to her about having had to pay extra for his ticket, Didi reportedly got down, stormed to the middle of the railway track, stopped the train and ordered the driver to roll his wheels back to Bangalore, from where the train started. The driver, Dinesh Dwivedi, on refusing to do so, was forced to resign from his job. Sources say that Dinesh has already begun penning an article titled - "Why I quit Indian Railways", seemingly inspired by James Whittaker and Greg Smith. 

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this satiric post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

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Sharad Pawar says he fainted on watching the Ram Kapoor-Sakshi Tanwar love-making scene from BALH

This post is published in The UnReal Times at - http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2012/03/13/sharad-pawar-says-he-fainted-on-watching-the-ram-kapoor-sakshi-tanwar-love-making-scene-from-balh/

Putting a full stop to all the rife speculation about him being ill, Union Agriculture Minister Sharad Pawar said after recovery, that it was the path-breaking, first-of-its-kind love-making scene between actors Ram Kapoor and Sakshi Tanwar, on the queen of the small screen, Ekta Kapoor's serial "Bade Acche Lagte Hain" (BALH), that caused him to faint in the assembly.

Sharad Pawar is about to faint, as he recollects the horror and shock of the Ram Kapoor-Sakshi Tanwar love-making scene from "Bade Acche Lagte Hain"

Pawar, on recovering, said, "BJP MP Smriti Irani showed me this scene, saying that it is a documentary. For a moment, I got so scared, I thought it was me in the scene, wearing a wig! However, the man thankfully had a straight face. But before I could realize it, I fainted! Aaah...aaah...my head...someone please get me water", before holding his forehead tightly, fainting again & making it evident that he is still not over the horror.

Smriti, on her part, said "Yes. When I saw this scene, I wanted to share my grief with someone. I was looking for a shoulder to cry on. At that point, the one sitting next to me was Pawar ji. I didn't want this to become another porn scandal, so I used the safe, saving word - 'documentary', while showing it to him. Before I could explain to him that I am heartbroken because Ekta never thought of such a scene when I was Tulsi in Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi and more importantly, half my current size; he fainted all of a sudden, and had to be rushed to medical help!"

The actor-turned-politician continued what she is best known for - sobbing, and saying "Ekta, you are clearly not forgiven for this! You just used me as a glycerine barrel and nothing more, when I was with you! In fact, I ended up consuming many liters of glycerine while crying! That's how I bloated!". She also added that she was inspired by Congress leader Harish Rawat and would start a new sleaze-serial production house on her own. "If Ram can literally get to have a 'crush' on someone, so can I ! Am I any less than Ram?", thundered the once-upon-a-time small screen diva.

Within minutes, newly popular Bollywood actress Nupur Mehta denied any such deal with any sleaze-serial production house and claimed that any journalist who goes to fabricate any such reports can only be totally in love with her. Former Pakistani cricketer & commentator Rameez Raja was seeing rolling on the floor, laughing, saying "An Indian soap video is being watched more than a cricket match? Hahahahahahahaha!", before former Indian pace spearhead Ajit Agarkar gave it right back to the veteran, saying "I'm sure more people in Pakistan know Veena Malik than you, Rameez!".

Meanwhile, a representative of premier social networking site, Facebook, announced that the scene was also the reason for the site to go down for a few hours in the morning. "Well, it can only be inferred that our servers have feelings too! They stopped functioning as soon as people began to overtly post stuff only about this scene!". However, CNN IBN anchor Sagarika Ghose claimed credit for Facebook's outage, saying that it happened because Facebook was enslaved by her beauty. 

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this satiric post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

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Rahul Dravid launches Bata's new slippers in honor of Greg Chappell

The pervasive speculation about the agenda of the much-awaited press conference today being Rahul Dravid's retirement, has been put to rest as Indian cricketing legend Rahul Dravid stunned the world, by announcing that the conference was held in order to launch Indian shoe-manufacturing giant Bata's honor to Australian cricketing legend and former Indian coach Greg Chappell - a new brand of slippers in his name. The slipper, which would be called "Greg chappal", would be yellow in color, with Greg's face below it.

Rahul Dravid adressing journalists and scribes at the launch of Bata India's new slipper brand, "Greg Chappal" in honor of the former Australian cricketer and Indian coach.

In a first-of-its-kind launch, there was a special parapet wall built between the panelists and the audience. The audience who had to put their heads above the parapet wall, would be hit by a pair of Greg Chappals thrown by Dravid. The unique launch has already made its way into case studies in prestigious Indian B-schools like the Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad.

Dravid said - "Retirement? Me? Huh? No way! Who do you all think yourselves to be? Kapil Dev?", in response to media questions about his retirement. He continued - "Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to launch Bata's new brand of slippers in honor of one of the most interesting coaches we've had, Greg Chappell. I wholly credit and congratulate Bata India for coming up with this fantastic idea. Such a slipper would definitely propagate Greg's message and give him all the publicity that he's been looking for. Helping others out is Indian culture, so here we are! - lending a helping hand to Greg in his mission".

BCCI President N.Srinivasan, seemingly inspired by rhyming Tamil superstar T.Rajendar, had a message for Greg,  mouthing "Dei dei dei, veruppu pudcha paruppu, eppdi indha seruppu? patthikiccha neruppu?" (hey hey hey frustrated big brother, how's the slipper? do I see something burning? ) causing whistles in the hall to hit the roof. The launch also saw a surprise entry from a shirtless Saurav Ganguly who grabbed a pair of Greg chappals and swirled them around vigorously in the air, reminiscing folks of his Natwest series act.

Home Minister P.Chidambaram has condemned Greg's attack on Indian culture and for the first time ever, admitted that it was indeed an intelligence failure, however, on Greg's part. Congress president Sonia Gandhi has fully backed Dravid's decision to stay on and not retire, saying that his failure down under was due to "too many batsmen" in the Indian team.

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Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this satiric post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -

http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

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Yeddyurappa goes on rampage, threatens to sue FourSquare

 ( Inspired by a tweet, long ago, from The UnReal Times )

Hours after his FourSquare tweet read "I just ousted D.V. Sadananda Gowda as the Mayor of Vidhana Soudha", a furious former chief minister B.S.Yeddyurappa has now threatened to file a case against the location-based social networking site FourSquare, for not living up to their promise. 

B. S. Yeddyurappa's tweet from FourSquare which showed him as the Mayor of Vidhana Soudha.

"I clearly saw it with my own eyes. Mayor of the Vidhana Soudha obviously means the Chief Minister, alva? Why have I not been allowed to take over yet? FourSquare is not living up to their promise", thundered a livid BSY. His faction is said to have begun burning effigies of four squares each. Incidents of stray vandalism in coffee giant Cafe Coffee Day's "The Square" outlet, near UB City, have also been reported. Some high-school mathematics teachers have also complained about being blackmailed by goons to avoid "4x4" while teaching multiplication tables. The news has been reported as a "major setback" for the Karnataka government, with the BJP high-command, consisting of party president Nitin Gadkari and senior leader Arun Jaitley scheduled to make an immediate trip to Bangalore to pacify the faction. 

State BJP President K.S.Eshwarappa was quoted saying - "There has obviously been a misunderstanding. It is a case of misinterpretation, that's all. Everything is fine in the party. Mr.Sadananda Gowda will continue as CM, no doubt about it". When asked about what would be the fate of the law-breakers, Eshwarappa iterated - "The law will take its own course". BSY, too, has said that he would abide by the decisions of the party high command and the words of L.K.Advani. Apart from FourSquare, his phone was found to have a few "documentaries", which he claimed were no big deal at all, adding that everyone would have such documentaries in their cellphones.

The Congress party has wasted no time in trying to leverage this internal tension to their advantage, but failed miserably in their attempt, as External Affairs Minister S.M.Krishna stated "D.V. Sadananda Gowda has always been trying to destabilize the government. Yeddyurappa is doing a good job currently as CM and deserves to continue". JD(S) leader H. D. Kumaraswamy said that both the Congress and the BJP were an utter disgrace to Karnataka.

The scene at South Block, Raisina Hill, New Delhi, was not too different, with Congress leader Rahul Gandhi seen flashing his cellphone to Prime Minister Manmohan Singh - "Check this out! I've just ousted you as the Mayor of South Block, Raisina Hill!", with the PM replying - "I thought you already did that in 2004 !".

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THIS NEWS IS NOT TRUE ! IT IS JUST A SATIRIC POST INTENDED TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY & READ IN GOOD HUMOR. I DO NOT MEAN TO HURT ANYBODY'S SENTIMENTS & APOLOGIZE BEFOREHAND, IF I HAVE.

Thanks to The Unreal times & Faking News as always for inspiring me to write this satiric post. If you liked this, please feel free to leave a comment. Here are my other satiric posts -


http://ashwinskumar.blogspot.com/search/label/Satiric%20posts

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